Poem "stop asking, for you won't like the answer "

No, I am not fine

I might look alive, I might move and talk
like usual
for it doesn't show on the outside

but the bony hand of Death is still firmly clasped around my wrist
lightly tugging, tugging, tugging
every day reminding me
that I have not yet escaped
nor will I ever

for bruises formed by the hand of Death
are internal
and everlasting

New mindblowingly smutty "Warrior Baek Dong Soo" fanfic "Flesh"

So I went somewhat  (some say more...but I resent that...) crazy from lack of oxygen to my brain and other certain things and then I heard (repeatedly over and over again until my ears bled...) Anaapenas fanmix for DongSooslashYeoUn with "Flesh" and here are the results; a spankingly hardcore fanfic with our beloved OTP Dong Soo/Yeo Un in situations we would all like to see them in, often...and repeatedly...over and over again...(blood spurting out of every pore...). 

So all my perverted minions, go read, or whatever lascivious thing you would like to do (header is below for warning and link goes to my AO3 for reading as usual) :

"Flesh" by TaMeaut

(Un-ah! After we chop these dudes into pieces and bathe in their blood, how 'bout a "snack" at my place? I have peanut butter...)

Picture from PopV

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Title: Flesh 
Series: Warrior Baek Dong Soo
Soundtrack: Flesh – Simon Curtis
Spoilers: -
Time frame: Ep. 28 (right after the great battle at the palace where Un-ah and Dong Soo fought together)
Summary: Blood and fear are powerful aphrodisiacs, even more so when two of the most skilled swordsmen in Joseon come shoulder to shoulder in an epic battle to win the palace, and rivers of blood and bodies pool around them. Who wins in the end? And what spoils of war will be theirs after the blood is licked off their “swords”.
Excerpt: “Your tattered clothes in pieces around you, your hair clinging to your sweaty temples, a patch of dried blood on your cheek, your lips kiss-swollen as you watch me under half closed lids and I know what I want.”
Pairings: Baek Dong Soo/Yeo Un
Word count: ~5100
Rating: NC17 (hardcore smut, fluff and copious amounts of blood and other bodily liquids)
Warning: Just a sad excuse to have violent, blood tasting sex but I wanted this so badly and I regret nothing...I am living solely on the idea that Un-ah (after he leaves the fight) sits with his stone-face in front of the queen pretending not to have been just violently had by Dong Soo in all ways possible...
Other: Text in “bold” is original dialogue from series.
Thanks: Anaapenas who had ”Flesh” in her DSslashYW fanmix as alternative music to ”Euphoria” and I thought why not do something ”creative” with it since it is just begging for it.

Pillow Book "transitions"

The other day I was reading a "sermon" from a homophobic about the usual complaints we all know so well. Such as gay people infect others with their sickness and how disgusting same-sex sex is and so on and so forth and while I read it, it struck me so hard that just because a man has sex with another man, or a woman with another woman, it does NOT make them gay.

The physical act in itself, that every hater seem so obsessed about, is absolutely devoid of the feelings that makes you homosexual.

Being homosexual is the physical and mental attraction you have for the same sex, not the sexual act in itself.

Funnily enough, the haters never complain about two women making out in a porno movie with one guy watching, even though logically, this is a homosexual act too.

But I guess that if haters were logical there would be no haters...

Poem "something I have learnt is This"

no matter how Great the pain

how Deep the sorrow

or how important it is to You

the World will keep revolving

around its axis

caring Nothing for your troubles

only you

are standing Still

Poem "not the same"

Hope

is soothing bliss

a tantalising dream

a sweet repose

Hope

bandages your wounds

holds you when you despair

and kiss your cheek when you cry

Hope

you need to violently cling to

is not Hope at all

but only

naked

brutal

unforgiving

Desperation

New Sungkyunkwan Scandal fanfiction "Live Forever II: One" and "Live Forever III: Still Alive"

To Celebrate my returning from Death after a rather long and horrible hospital visit, and my 200 post in this blog, I am hereby presenting the sequel to my Sungkyunkwan Scandal fanfic "Live Forever".

I got some good comments on "Live Forever" due to the extremely sad and tortured nature of the topic, that spurred me to write a continuation which has resulted in two?! fanfics (links go to my AO3 for reading)

"Live Forever II: One"

and

"Live Forever III: Still Alive"

Headers are below, so you get an idea of the rating, after the fantabulous cover image that my ubercute fan Pandoraylam has made for "Live Forever".

Title: Live Forever II: One
Series: Sungkyunkwan Scandal
Soundtrack: One – Epik High
Spoilers: -
Time frame: -
Summary: What happens after you have given that one thing, only you can give? How does someone receive such a precious gift without changing altogether? And why is it that only when something has been taken from us do we learn to truly appreciate it?
Excerpt: “ Jae Shin's hand went back to the arrow. This arrow had had Jae Shins name on it until Yong Ha had stepped between and changed certain fate ...and how he wished that Yong Ha wouldn't have done that.”
Pairings: Moon Jae Shin/Gu Yong Ha
Word count: ~8700
Rating: T (angst, fluff)
Warning:
Other: This is the sequel to “Live Forever”, which I hadn't planned to write in the beginning.
Thanks: To YoonHee, and Anonymous, who thought is was just too sad to to have “Live Forever” end like it did and provided me with the outline.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Title: Live Forever III: Still Alive
Series: Sungkyunkwan Scandal
Soundtrack: Still Alive – Lisa Miskovsky
Spoilers: -
Time frame: -
Summary: What if the only purpose you have found for your life is refused and the love you have can never be spoken, what will you do? Does a life like that mean only despair or can just being alive mean hope, hope that maybe someday something will change?
Excerpt: “Jae Shin's words were meant to be light and affectionate but they only emphasised the loneliness Yong Ha felt. How could he ever tell this man what was in his heart knowing the implications and the pain that would follow?”
Pairings: Moon Jae Shin/Gu Yong Ha
Word count: ~7000
Rating: M (slight depression, fluff, romance, nibbles)
Warning:
Other: This is the epilogue for “Live Forever” and “Live Forever II: One“, which is practically just a sad excuse to have nibbles*
Thanks:

* smooching and touching....

Old poll outcome and new poll "Do you dare tell of your BL obsession?"

So here are the results from the Old poll:

"Should they just have stuck fake beards on the young cast in 'The Moon that Embraces the Sun' and pretended they had grown instead of having an adult cast that is neither as gorgeous or as good in acting as the younger ones?"

or in short:

"Which cast do you prefer in 'The Moon that Embraces the Sun' - young or adult?"

with 28 participants:

89% thought the YOUNG cast beat the s**t out of the older cast (TaMeaut approved!)

while

11% obviously have no taste (yes, flame me, barbecue me, but THAT was the lousiest acting I have ever seen from Jung Il Woo EVER...)

AND, might I add that THAT WAS THE LOUSIEST ENDING I HAVE EVER SEEN IN A DRAMA EVER...Holy flying dead kittens in superman suits...I am soooo NOT going to say anymore or I will threaten to rant forever...

So lets all move on and give you my new poll instead:

"Do you DARE tell about your BL OBSESSION, M/M FANDOM, gay OTP or the fact that you spend all night READING/WRITING gay fanfics to your "real" friends, family and loved ones?"

or in short

"Have you dared tell your close ones about your M/M obsession?"

Poem "marked"

Last night,

deep night

Death stayed by my side

All night,

dark night

holding my hand

in a cold clammy grip

hard enough to bruise

but

not the Death I know

not the Death I know

not for peace

not for comfort

not for love

but from despairing hollowness

menacing

haunting

terror

void

staring back at me

as I was seeking some

peace

comfort

love

this was not the Death I know

just

waiting

waiting

waiting for the moment I will let go

I am not afraid to die

but

not like that

not like that

unknown faces

watching

casually

discussing

white spaces

closing in

while I

lie there

alone

alone

alone

caged inside my decaying body

shaking so hard

focusing everything

on that tiny shivering ember of life

that still remain

inside

clutching the sheets with white knuckles

with a litany of fear repeating in my mind

over

and over

and over

and over again

the only one by my side

a terrifying Death I don't know

bruising my hand

bruising my hand

waiting for the moment I will let go

the only hope

a menacing Death I don't know

bruising my hand

as much as I was

bruising his,

holding on

Pillow Book "still here"

This time, I regretted nothing...

Pillow Book "can I?"

Sometimes I make mistakes and sometimes those mistakes are so big I do not want to face them. I feel like I would just like to leave everything behind and start fresh in some other place. As if the mistake I have made have somehow rotted the very place I occupy and the foul stench of decay is in my nose all the time. So I start over in a new fresh place, with no offensive odours. Again and again.

Then one day I realised.

Despite the distances I have travelled, I wasn't moving anywhere.

For to start over is like dying and being born again, never taking responsibility for the past.

For every new start, what has been is utterly erased, eaten away by the guilt you have. And when you feed guilt, it grows, despite your best efforts to leave it far behind, until it, like a virus, eats everything within you.

Rather than to start over again and again, you have to take responsibility for and learn to embrace the mistakes you make, absorbing them into yourself with the new knowledge you possess.It is proof of your growth, your movement forward.

True learning and insight, can only come from accepting and understanding what has come before.

Be proud of your mistakes, for they only, will move you forward.

We are the Brave New World!

I adore the way fanfiction writers engage with and critique source texts, but manipulating them and breaking their rules. Some of it is straight-up homage, but a lot of [fan fiction] is really aggressive towards the source text. One tends to think of it as written by total fanboys and fangirls as a kind of worshipful act, but a lot of times you’ll read these stories and it’ll be like ‘What if Star Trek had an openly gay character on the bridge?’ And of course the point is that they don’t, and they wouldn’t, because they don’t have the balls, or they are beholden to their advertisers, or whatever. There’s a powerful critique, almost punk-like anger, being expressed there—which I find fascinating and interesting and cool.

Lev Grossman (via Tumblr)