Fanfiction "Surrender"

Title: “Surrender”

Series: Warrior Baek Dong Soo

Soundtrack: Surrender (Eelke Kleijn Remix) -Way out West

Spoilers: Episode 26

Time frame: silhouette night scene in Episode 26

Summary: To know if you love someone, do not imagine living in this world with them, just imagine to live in this world without them.

Excerpt: “Because you are darkness, I will be your light. Because you stand fast, I will move you. Because no matter how hard you fight it, your fate will destroy you, and I Baek Dong Soo, I will not allow that. I will fight it to the very last drop of my blood.”

Pairings: Baek Dong Soo/Yeo Un

Word count: ~2700

Rating: M (angst, romance)

Warning:

Other: This is the companion fic to “Heart's a Mess” which was written from Yeo Un's perspective. Since this fic is in Dong Soo's perspective I have used some of the phrases in polar opposition to give the sense of them being bound together by their strong feelings for each other (so, no, I have not copy-pasted this fic from the other...). I have used the informal way of saying Un's name, Un-ah, since I love the way it comes out of Dong Soo's mouth (like caramel syrup spread on pancakes). Text in “italic” is original conversation from the series.

Thanks:

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”just surrender
you know you want to
let go of all the shame that holds you
mistakes you made
promises you break
it's not too late to set it straight”

“Baek Dong Soo!” I slowly turn around, slightly embarrassed to be found cowering behind a wall like this, and by you nonetheless. For I do know its you. I would know that voice anywhere. That smoothness, that velvety vibrant voice that keeps lingering in the air even after you have stopped speaking. And if I wouldn't recognise it, I would still know its you, for you are the only one that makes my entire being resonate by your sheer presence.

You calling out my name has a curious effect on my mind, as if my head is empty and the words keep echoing for a long time. Or is it that I cannot get enough of you calling out my name?

Baek Dong Soo.

Baek Dong Soo.

Baek Dong Soo.

My mind keeps echoing and my heart keeps resonating. Do I look saintly calm? Do I look cleverly composed? Do I look like the youngest and best swordsman in all of Joseon? For on the inside I am not. You have made me come undone.

Maybe it is the way you say it.

Maybe it is why you say it.

Maybe it is You, saying it.

“Un-ah!” My voice gives me away. The suddenness of your appearance has left me unprepared, vulnerable and your name escapes my lips before I can stop it.

That is what love is. Your body will move, before your mind can think of the answer. Can you see it? Can you see all my feelings spilling out as I call your name?

“Go back, this isn't your business.” No, you don't see it but the annoyance in your voice tints the words with such feeling, that I can almost pretend. Pretend that another inclination lies behind it. Surprise? Fear? Concern? But it is only in my head, for you are as hard to read as always. You have always been.

“But it is yours?” You know that telling me what to do will just make me do the opposite, or are you counting on it?

“I don't want to argue with you. Please! Just leave.” Apparently not, this time I can feel your discontent directed right at me. It makes me angry, for some reason. You make me angry by just standing there, completely in control and deadly as a viper. Your entire appearance would be intimidating to anyone else, but not me, not now. The fierceness in your voice makes me regain some of my posture that I lost at your arrival.

“No! You should leave.” I am not ruled by you. I am Baek Dong Soo, I will do what I please, when I please it. Besides, I can take care of myself now.

“You think your mighty martial arts can reverse their power? Just go back. Nothing will change even if you do this.” Your words hit the target and again you strip me of my cover. Why is it that you always know what to say, to make me look like the fool I am. Despite all I have learned during all this time, meeting you, suddenly reverts me back to the old childish Baek Dong Soo. I thought I had grown, I thought I had learnt.

I had decided that I would not let you sway me the next time we meet, and yet here you are, and I am undone again.

“What can you do then? But...you have put so much blood on your hands, you must have gotten everything that you want.” As I hear myself say the words out loud, already I realise I am at fault. It is childish and immature words, only meant to hurt. And hurt they do, more than I could have thought. I see it in your face. I hear it in your voice.

“Baek Dong Soo! And what did that saint-like sword of yours do? In the end, it couldn't save anyone. Are you going to make excuses for the dead?” Now you are not just annoyed anymore, but really, really angry. And so am I. Again your words are true, and I know it. In front of you I can never win. All I can do is cover my blatant weakness with anger and frustration.

“Shut up!” You have already won, please, don't let me hear any more.

“So many people got hurt trusting your lies that you'd protect them. So please put your promises away.” I grab your collar as the itch to hit something becomes too strong. Hitting you now would only mean total defeat for me. All my years of composure melts away at your sharp words and all I can do is yell.

“Un-ah! I said shut up.” Then I realise that I have just made a fatal mistake. Just as I recall how much you absolutely hate to be confined like this, you easily wrestle out of my grip and swiftly deal a hurtful blow to, what you know, is my wounded shoulder.

I try not to gasp out loudly in pain but my own body betrays me. You are so incredibly strong. When did you get so strong?

“Un-ah! You!” A sense of pride takes over and there is only one way to regain my fallen countenance. I will beat you. I will show you what I have acquired during long hard labour and then maybe you will see me in an other light...

or so I thought...

I give you a right hook and you elegantly parry, I give you a left and you deflect, like it is nothing. No matter what I deliver you yield or block without effort. I cannot lay a hand on you.

Despite my obvious frustration, the respect I always had for you is tripling by the second, Un-ah you are amazing. Too amazing. I am almost about to give up in sheer awe when I, almost by chance, finally land a blow on you, sending you right into the wall. As you brace yourself I, unknowingly, move towards you in concern only to receive your merciless kick in my guts. I almost forgot in the heat of the fight. No mercy. That is the assassins way.

As the wish to apologise for hitting you, is brutally beaten out of me, another feeling is replacing it. Maybe I am insane, but in this moment, as your hits are raining down on me, I am deliriously happy.

All the years apart are melting away, all the physical pain and mental suffering, the fate that locks us into ever continuous combat. Everything is disappearing, leaving only you and me. All my anger and frustration are gone. All the anxiety and insecurity fade away.

Are my eyes glittering? Am I smiling? Because you are, I see it. It is not obvious at all, unless someone knows you, and I do. Suddenly you are so easy to read, your every move, your expressions.

You are enjoying this as much as I am.

And suddenly we are evenly matched.

The outcome? Forcefully holding on to each others collars until our knuckles are white, our faces almost touching. Maybe we are both insane, but I have never felt so alive. Just this, ignites my every cell. Just your violent touch makes me go off in internal fireworks, and there it is... The depth of my feelings that I have tried so hard to hide all these years. Your very closeness make them surface, like some forgotten pearl in the dark ocean.

You're cheeks are flushed and your eyes spark. You are so close I can feel your hot breath against my skin and an almost impossibly strong desire to claim your lips comes over me. It is all too familiar. How many times have I not observed you in secret, wondering...what it would be like...

“Who's over there!” We both whip our heads towards the sound as we realise the awkwardness of the situation. I am silently cursing as you let go of my collar but then you look at me and I know. I know, and I follow right behind you, with a maniacal smile, as you set off into the night.

As we round the corner I know that we are safe and a euphoric feeling fills my chest. I turn to you with “why?” written all over my face but one look on your face, melts it away like snow in spring.

And you pull me too you and silence every protest I could ever have, by your mouth over mine.

I put up no defense at all, after all, it has always been inevitable. I could try to fight it, stubbornly refusing to admit, violently denying, but it is indeed to late. We have both felt it, that faint crackle in the air that only gets stronger and stronger the closer we are. Now it is travelling over my skin and down my spine as you deepen the kiss. So I surrender to you, with closed eyes.

Have I not always desired this? Un-ah, how could I know you did too...

For a moment I let go of the cloying grasp that fear has on me. In this moment, my heart beats like a drum at the hope you give me. While in this moment, only we exist and...love.

Then the moment is over and the pliable warmth of your lips slowly fades in the cool night air.

Incapable of saying anything I try to compose myself but my erratic breathing gives me away. But, surprisingly, I can see that I am not alone.

“Leave...” You breathlessly say and then you silently swirl around to disappear, only to be stopped by my crushing grip of your wrist. How could I possibly let you go after this? Don't you know...don't you know you are everything to me?

Annoyed at my restraint, you open your mouth to tell me to let you go but it is too late. I have you now, and I will keep you. A tug at your wrist and I press you to my chest in a vice-like grip. Caught you...

“No, I will not leave...” Can you hear me? Can you count my heartbeats through my clothing? Can you feel my warmth seeping through? Can you hear it in my trembling voice?

“I will never give up on you, Un-Ah...never...” and then I claim your lips, as I have always dreamt of.

First you remain stiff in constraint, but as I tease you with my tongue I can feel you, almost reluctantly, yield into me with a moan. Its intoxicating. You, are intoxicating. I want your breath, I want your touch, I want you.

I would like to believe I am in control, but then you bring your hands up over my back and my neck and I unravel at your touch. How I have wanted your touch. How I have wished. How I have craved, and here we are.

No part of you is soft and pliable. You are all stone and bone. Yet, I cannot get enough of touching you. My hand accidentally finds its way underneath your coat and we both draw our breaths as I reach the naked skin on the side of your abdomen. I trace over it and up your spine.

Your skin is night-cool underneath my fingertips and in the back of my mind I wonder if you can also feel the tingling sensation, I myself have in my fingers. And is the electric feeling of lips against lips, tongue brushing past tongue, also as breathtaking for you as it is for me?

Greedily wishing for more I momentarily leave your lips to taste your skin in the neck. Your thick, fluid hair is in my way so I impatiently move it to find a spot behind your ear that makes you gasp out loud. I leave a red mark before I surrender it for your lips again.

I find that I am silently begging for this moment to last forever. Your taste, your heat, your response. It is slowly but surely driving me to a place of no return. A place I would never want to leave, given a choice.

As I grind you into the wall in desperation, I cannot but want to tell you how much you mean to me. How you are the one driving me forward. Driving me to this point, here, where we have converged.

Your gasps and moans are like triggers to me. I want more of you. I want all of you.

Do you feel like that too? I cannot stop from asking you. Tell me Un-ah.

“please...return with me...” I regret the words as soon as they have left my mouth, for you stiffen in my embrace and then you, releasing my arms from you, take a step back. Away from me. From what I offer.

“I...cannot...do not ask that of me” and then you look away, almost as if you are ashamed.

“Un-ah...” I reach for you once more, but what has passed between us is already just a memory buried in the reality of today.

I curse myself as I see you awkwardly correct your dishevelled clothing. Another moment has passed me by without me getting the chance to tell you. A fierce wish to protect you comes over me. You, Yeo Un, are already part of me. No, you are all that I am, but...how will I tell you that? How will I let you know? And do you also feel it?

Do I mean even a little to you? Your silence makes me uneasy, and all my convictions seems so frail. I am just about to give up but as you cast a final glance to me, I can see it in your face and in your eyes, and I fiercely wove to myself.

Because you are darkness, I will be your light. Because you stand fast, I will move you. Because no matter how hard you fight it, your fate will destroy you, and I Baek Dong Soo, I will not allow that. I will fight it to the very last drop of my blood, with all my convictions. For all I have, that is my own in this world, is my love for you. The love that I cannot tell you of yet.

And I don’t want waste my love. I will show you the strength of my beliefs and when all is safe, when you are safe, then...For there are only two things I am afraid of in this world, one is loosing to you, and the other is loosing you and living in a world where you do not exist. So I will let my courage fill your heart until it is ample enough and I have released you from your merciless fate, then I will tell you.

But only then.