Fanfiction "Heart's a Mess"

Title: Heart's a Mess

Series: Warrior Beak Dong Soo

Soundtrack: Heart's a mess - Gotye

Spoilers: Episode 19

Time frame: Prison scene in Episode 19

Summary: All is so simple if you use fate as an excuse. All is so easy if you use hate as a guide. But what will you do, when someone violently takes it away from you, offering something else in return.

Excerpt: “Because you are light, I have to be darkness. Because you move me, I will stand fast. Because no matter how hard I fight it, my fate is to destroy you, and I Yeo Un, I will not allow that. I will fight it to the very last drop of my blood.”

Pairings: Baek Dong Soo/Yeo Un

Word count: ~1900

Rating: T (angst)

Warning:

Other: I have used the informal way of saying Un's name, Un-ah, since I love the way it comes out of Dong Soo's mouth (like caramel syrup spread on pancakes). Text in “italic” is original conversation from the series.

Thanks:

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”Your heart’s a mess
You won’t admit to it
It makes no sense
But I’m desperate to connect
and you can’t live like this

You have lost too much love
To fear, doubt and distrust
it’s not enough
You just threw away the key to your heart”

He is sitting next to me.

He is sitting next to me.

He is sitting next to me.

My mind keeps repeating the words over and over again and my poor heart keeps skipping a beat for each repeat. Do I look serenely calm? Do I look arrogantly composed? Do I look like the youngest successor of the greatest assassination organisation ever existed? For on the inside I am not. He has made me come undone.

He hasn't spoken a word, only looked at me with those clear eyes. Yet his mere presence is enough to easily unwrap the steel bands I have put around my being and it is all spilling out. My fears, my wishes, my pain, my love.

I struggle to keep my seemingly relaxed posture when all I want is to wrap my arms tightly around me to keep it all from spilling onto the floor and into his sight.

He is sitting next to me.

He is sitting next to me.

He is sitting next...

“Why do you want to kill the Minister of Defense?” Your question takes me aback and fills me with cloying fear. Whatever I will say, you will see right through me, and then you will know. You will know that everything I do, I do for you.

“That is none of your business.” I keep staring intently at my hand, hoping you will not turn around and pin me with those eyes.

“You have changed.” You have not, you are still as brilliantly beautiful as ever.

“Have you already forgotten our childhood friendship?” Pictures of all the times we spent together flashes before my eyes, and of all of them the most vivid ones are of you laughing in joy. My heart clenches brutally. Stop it. Say no more. You will make me come undone, again.

“What friendship? It has been erased a long time ago.”

Friends. The word is much too shallow for what my heart contains. Maybe for you, I was your friend a long time ago, but you, you alone, are still the sole reason for my existence. And the very reason I still fight.

Before I have prepared myself you walk up to me, grab my collar and with ease you pull me up. When did you become so strong? Your hands hold my collar in a choke hold, forcing me to look at you. My heart is beating so hard, I feel short of breath. It is only my years of bone-breaking training that makes me not look away as I meet your eyes. Those eyes that can see right through me. I pray you will not feel my heart beating like a drum, that you will not see the confusion in my eyes. My prayer is answered. Whatever you see in my eyes makes you let go of your hold, and look away. Somehow I am both curiously relieved and bitterly disappointed. Either I have become that good in deceit or you just don't care anymore, whatever it is I am saved this time.

or so I think...

“Forgive me...” Those were not the words I was expecting, nore the words I ever want to hear from you. I am the one who should ask forgiveness from you and not only you but everyone else too. I should kneel and pray for forgiveness for all I have done and for all that I have brutally murdered with these hands. Do I really have to remind you?

“Dong Soo.”

“Have you forgotten already? Jang Dae Po, training chief Im Su Ung and His Highness the Crown Prince...Everyone, by my hands...“ My voice breaks before I finish and I can feel the tears sting my eyes, but not as much as my heart is hurting. Please, I ask of my heart, do not show him anymore than this. Hold it in, hold it in, hold it...and just when I am about to let go Dong Soo stops me, unknowingly.

The strength of his fist makes my teeth scrape against my cheek, drawing some blood. The metallic taste is all too familiar to an assassin like me and it makes me automatically compose myself, as I realise who I am. I am the greatest assassin in Choson. Nothing more, nothing less. Thank you Dong Soo for making me see it. Thank you, thank you, thank y...

“I have not forgotten, I cannot forget and I will not forget” Automatically I wipe the blood from my mouth as I hear what you say. Surprisingly it is liquid red, I almost expect it to be black, as my rotting heart. Thank you Dong Soo, now I can comfortably resign myself and keep up my plan, knowing you have not forgotten to hate me. Hate me with all your heart. Hate me until...

I am relieved, but at your next words the weight of the World is put on my fragile heart again.

“but you, just remember on thing...I, will never give up on you...never give up” NO, no, you cannot do this to me. You should violently hate me, do not forgive me, keep remembering what I have done and to who.

What can I do, what can I say to keep you hating me? For you MUST hate me for my plan to work...I am desperate.

“maybe you should give up, if you give it up your heart will be at ease” or is it MY heart that will be at ease? Hate me, hate me or I will cry my eyes out right here in front of you, begging you to hold me, begging you to take me away from this cruel fate.

You grab me again by my collar, not as strongly this time as you know I will not fight it. Even as you speak, you don't need to, because your eyes says it all, and I, all I can do is get lost in them. For you are taking away all my fight, all my effort. Leaving only a death-defying wish to yield. To yield to you and what you are offering.

“I wont give up. I hated you and even wanted to kill you before. If you didn’t betray us, if you didn’t bind yourself to that bullshit fate, if you didn’t run away, then...I have resented you countless times, but aren’t you Un-ah? Aren't you my friend Un-ah? It is only by the superhuman effort I am putting in right now that I am not crying my eyes out, as you are. Stop it Dong Soo, I beg you, do not say my name with that lingering affection, please stop it or I will not be able to fight it.

“I do not know what your fate is, if you cannot withstand it I will help you resist it. So, Un-ah, please do not give up.“ My turbulent mind cannot fathom what you have just said. These years of mind numbing training and hardening of my heart is forgotten in the instant you speak instead of running your sword through my heart.

This is why I love you so.

Just when I think I understand you, you move my circles, you erase them leaving no trace, and I, I have to start all over again. My heart is in anarchy, I grow uneasy, and the tranquillity of mind I had is gone. You make me remember, you make me know what I have done, and I will never forgive you for that. You fill my heart until breaking, and it hurts, it hurts until I cannot stand it.

“I cannot understand, when you returned, I thought you would put your sword through my chest, however you...“ Why haven’t you killed me yet?

These years without you, all that has made me open my eyes in the morning and resume this ever bleak doomed life is the very idea of you hating me unto the point of breaking. Yet, here you are, illuminatingly hopeful. You think you can help me, you think all you have to do is hold out your hand and I will take it. Dong Soo, how you tempt me, how you break me, how you kill me slowly. Even as I desperately want to grasp that last shard of hope you are handing me, I cannot. For my fate is the cruellest of them all.

Still, the desire to lean into you and let you take me away is so strong that I almost feel myself letting go.

I am slipping...

Then we are interrupted, just as I am about to give in. Blinding relief floods me as I realise how close I came to give it all up. To give up my plan. My plan to make fate work for me, not against me. Now I am stronger than ever and I won't let you tempt me again. Now silence rules us both as we sit back down on the floor, both lost in our thoughts. For you too, know that it is now too late.

And so we sit, in forced intimacy, the rest of the night until early morning when escape is suddenly an option.

The escape was too easy, and for a fleeting moment I smile as the familiar feeling of being back in your company fills me. However, daylight blinds my dark desire and as I see you strong back in front of me I wove to stay true to my path, my clever plan, in order to keep you safe. Your parting words seal the pact.

“Thank you...Don’t die...for you will die by my hands...” You almost make me smile. No, I will not die yet. Not yet. For I have something that must be done before...before you...

Because you are light, I have to be darkness. Because you move me, I will stand fast. Because no matter how hard I fight it, my fate is to destroy you, and I Yeo Un, I will not allow that. I will fight it to the very last drop of my blood, with all my convictions. For all I have, that is my own in this world, is my love for you. The love that I cannot tell you of yet.

And I don’t want waste my love. I will put my secret plan into work and when all is safe, when you are safe, then...Just as you yourself have mercilessly pierced my heart, I will let your sword do. And when it is done and my love spills from my chest in rivulets of red and I have cheated my fate, then I will tell you.

But only then.