Pillowbook "passed security"

Everything we do
changes us
Everything we say
changes us
Every step we take
changes us

it is only
when we try too hard to change ourselves
that
nothing happens

Pillowbook "hate is just another word for jealousy"

There is someone I wish really ill upon. I hate her. I truly hate her. It is the strongest negative feeling I have ever had, for I am not by nature, prone to hate. Dislike yes, annoyance most likely, but not true hate.

She is a pampered princess, cared for by all, loved by all. The greatest diva have ever known.

When I first met her I was so happy, for I thought that for the first time in my life I would have a true sister, someone to share everything with, someone that accepts all of you and gives all of herself back. She was sweet, innocent and caring and really gave me the feeling that she wanted to meet me halfway. So despite the fear I had, I opened my heart and showed her who I am and she...threw it right back in my face.

The backlash was horrendous. I was completely defenceless for I had taken down all my mental walls. I just sat there all numb, distantly listening to her raving about me being so mean to her, saying mean things and just being generally mean. It took me a long time to understand what she was saying and when I did I almost started laughing for it was so ridiculous, or at least I thought so.

She was upset about me making a comment on her dessert on evening. She had been eating a cake that seemed very good and when she had finished I said "Oh, that must have been a very good cake because you ate it so quickly!" - for me it meant that she had been enjoying it, for her it implied that she was a fat pig and I was pointing it out.

Then I had tried to flirt openly with her boyfriend, standing very close to him and whispering in his ear. In fact I had been standing not very close at all and we had been talking about her parents house, a subject I find very dry and not flirty at all. The fact that I was madly in love with her brother was of no consequence to her, just the fact that I had talked to her boyfriend was enough proof of my viciousness.

Then I had openly disagreed with her on a matter of art, I n which she deems herself an expert. We had been discussing the placement of a staircase in a medieval house and after a rather long and tedious ramble of fancy words from her that, I thought, really didn’t mean anything I just said that maybe they just placed the staircase there because they needed to walk up and down at this very spot (I thought it was a logical explanation.).

The list could go on forever if I mentioned all the things I had "tormented" her with, but the end results would be the same.

I hate her. I wish her ill in life, and I cannot hide it anymore. Every time I hear something is going bad for her I smile, every time I hear that she is in over her head I am holding my thumbs for something to go wrong. Yet it never does, for she is born lucky and pampered and cushioned.

Then one day I realised that I do not really hate her, I hate what she stands for - everything I have never had nor can ever have...and the word for that is jealousy.

I am jealous of her being so glowingly healthy, while I am slowly wasting away in an incurable disease.

I am jealous of her having lots of money that she has never had to work a day for, wile all I have is huge debts after working several jobs at the same time for a long time.

I am jealous f her having a family that has always been there supporting her no matter what she wants to do, while my family couldn't care less if I was dead or alive.

I am jealous of her always having good luck, while I am constantly overwhelmed by bad karma.

I am jealous of how people adore her at first sight no matter how badly she behaves, while they hate me even before they met me.

I am jealous of her long black hair and petite figure, while I am dull and flat

I am jealous of her artistic skills that seems to come so effortlessly, while I have none despite my many years of trying.

I am jealous of her innocence in not understanding how much she hurts people, while I am too aware for my own good.

...but most of all I am jealous of how everyone came to her defence when she backstabbed me in the most cruellest way possible.

She has made me lose some of my faith in humans.

My jealousy of her has become hate because she makes me in to a person I do not want to be. I hate the me that is jealous of her.

I cannot escape it, for I am not strong enough, yet, but I have decided to try hard, to fight this feeling, this jealousy and maybe one day I wile be able to stand next to her and not wish that the roof would cave in on her and crush her to a pulp before my feet.

but not yet...

Poem "To my only one"

I saw this beautiful poem from Knerrir:



To my one truest


Love
When a thousand times repeated
To the one truest
Still means
Love




and found myself inspired to write a mirror-poem to it

To my only one

Love

Spoken once

To the only one

Will keep the truest meaning of

Love

Pillowbook "that feeling you do not want to name"

Whenever my mother writes to me she always ends her letters with "how can you go on like that.." or "can you really work in those conditions..", "you won't be able to do that will you?" and so on and so forth. (Don't get me wrong, it has nothing to do with my excellent work that I love, but with the fact that I have a medical condition that makes it harder for me to do what everyone else takes for granted...)
The words are clear, she is worried about me and wants what is best for me, as any mother would.

Yet, I cannot shake of this feeling that what she really says is "fail as soon as possible so I don't have to think about it...".

I am sure many would disagree with me and say "of course she wouldn't want that" but then again, I know things about my mother that they don't, and it is this knowledge that makes me hear things that she doesn't say out loud.

I try not to let it get to me, but in all honesty, it would be wonderful to instead hear her say "You are great fighting like that, we are right behind you cheering you on!" instead of "just give up".

but then again, she has never cheered me on in anything else either and that hasn't stopped me from travelling the world, getting my specific education and a job I love.

Still, just once, I would be wonderful to hear my mother praise me. Just once.

Gundam Wing fanfiction in "Recommended Reading"

I am slowy getting back to my favourite OTP HeeroXDuo from "Gundam Wing" - some years ago I was mad about this couple and I realised the other day that this obsessions has never left, just shifted. There is just something very compelling about a violent, unfeeling guy coupling with a loud, brash guy with super-long hair - ah, the angst, the blood, the smut...

There was a period when I was on "Gundam Wing Addiction" every day reading something, yet I have never tried to write something myself on this couple - maybe because there are so much written already and its sooooo frigging good, like D. C. Logan.

I just love these fics from D. C Logan even though they are pretty mellow and non-smutty, the language is beautiful and the stories compelling. I feel like a better author just reading them.

Highly recommended!

Man, I miss anime like this, were the mere opening song  makes you go into bliss and nostalgia...

Pillowbook "are you bored yet? "

I had a visitor as I was lying in in my hospital bed hooked up to a breathing machine, two IV's in my arm and a nose tube for feeding, who suddenly asked me:
"Aren't you bored lying here and having nothing to do?"

I didn't have anything nice to say because all that comes out is: You wouldn't understand.

Boring is something healthy people do. If you are really, really sick you don't get bored. Because every cell, every fiber in your body is working so hard to keep you alive, focused only on one thing: survival.

Asking a mortally ill person if they are bored is like asking the guy who fought a grizzly, got his arm ripped off and then stumbled through the forest for days in search of help: "Wasn't it boring to walk that distant, there was nothing but forest to see?"

So next time you visit someone very sick, instead of stupid questions, hold their hand and tell them everything about the world outside. Tell them of things you have done and people you have met, or even better how much you like them and wait for them to get better so you can together go and do all these things.

but most of all...just hold their hand...

Poem "stop if you can"

the Earth kept moving
and I too
trying to keep pace with it

ran in the opposite direction
only to discover

I moved faster
than I wished

My "Sungkyunkwan Scandal" fics hosted on Tumblr

Gosh, I am so hot even Gu Yong Ha gives me approval! 

Pic from fyeahsongjoongki

Not only are my "Warrior Baek Dong Soo" fanfics hosted on DongSooSlashYeoUn but now my "Sungkyunkwan Scandal"  fics are ALSO hosted, on MySlashWorld!

TAMEAUT is CONQUERING TUMBLR and SPREADING THE SMUT !

Poem "shine through"

Everyone has a Flame
of infinite potential
and beauty

Everyone is a Candle
precious beyond belief
in this large cavern of dark
we inhabit

Everyone possess a Light
which illuminates
what once was gloom
and dark
and dread

maybe because
our heart glows outwards
and not inwards
it is possible for us to see others light
making us believe
all others are so bright
when we are sure we are not

maybe because
our heart glows outwards
and not inwards
it is impossible for us to see our own light
flickering and dancing
with singular grace
and abandonment

except in the reflections
of others
eyes

maybe that is the nature of light
and our
hearts



for Maria, who inspired me

Poem "...comes around"

I bend
I surrender
There is nothing more of me to give
There is nothing more that you can take

I yield
My defeat
I have given all I can
You have taken all you want

Just know,
bamboo folds and yields and molds
then whips right back
with brutal force

for
I regret nothing at all
and all you have taken
will come back to me

just like the fallen leaves
of autumn
gives a new aspiring spring

Poem "silently, I scream - violently, I dream"

your precious words are a thin, thin string
wrapped around me
so tightly
it tears at my edges

bleeding me raw

but
they are all that keep me together
for I am broken and bent
like a too old puppet

in a shadow play of life

Poem "stop asking, for you won't like the answer "

No, I am not fine

I might look alive, I might move and talk
like usual
for it doesn't show on the outside

but the bony hand of Death is still firmly clasped around my wrist
lightly tugging, tugging, tugging
every day reminding me
that I have not yet escaped
nor will I ever

for bruises formed by the hand of Death
are internal
and everlasting

New mindblowingly smutty "Warrior Baek Dong Soo" fanfic "Flesh"

So I went somewhat  (some say more...but I resent that...) crazy from lack of oxygen to my brain and other certain things and then I heard (repeatedly over and over again until my ears bled...) Anaapenas fanmix for DongSooslashYeoUn with "Flesh" and here are the results; a spankingly hardcore fanfic with our beloved OTP Dong Soo/Yeo Un in situations we would all like to see them in, often...and repeatedly...over and over again...(blood spurting out of every pore...). 

So all my perverted minions, go read, or whatever lascivious thing you would like to do (header is below for warning and link goes to my AO3 for reading as usual) :

"Flesh" by TaMeaut

(Un-ah! After we chop these dudes into pieces and bathe in their blood, how 'bout a "snack" at my place? I have peanut butter...)

Picture from PopV

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Title: Flesh 
Series: Warrior Baek Dong Soo
Soundtrack: Flesh – Simon Curtis
Spoilers: -
Time frame: Ep. 28 (right after the great battle at the palace where Un-ah and Dong Soo fought together)
Summary: Blood and fear are powerful aphrodisiacs, even more so when two of the most skilled swordsmen in Joseon come shoulder to shoulder in an epic battle to win the palace, and rivers of blood and bodies pool around them. Who wins in the end? And what spoils of war will be theirs after the blood is licked off their “swords”.
Excerpt: “Your tattered clothes in pieces around you, your hair clinging to your sweaty temples, a patch of dried blood on your cheek, your lips kiss-swollen as you watch me under half closed lids and I know what I want.”
Pairings: Baek Dong Soo/Yeo Un
Word count: ~5100
Rating: NC17 (hardcore smut, fluff and copious amounts of blood and other bodily liquids)
Warning: Just a sad excuse to have violent, blood tasting sex but I wanted this so badly and I regret nothing...I am living solely on the idea that Un-ah (after he leaves the fight) sits with his stone-face in front of the queen pretending not to have been just violently had by Dong Soo in all ways possible...
Other: Text in “bold” is original dialogue from series.
Thanks: Anaapenas who had ”Flesh” in her DSslashYW fanmix as alternative music to ”Euphoria” and I thought why not do something ”creative” with it since it is just begging for it.

Pillow Book "transitions"

The other day I was reading a "sermon" from a homophobic about the usual complaints we all know so well. Such as gay people infect others with their sickness and how disgusting same-sex sex is and so on and so forth and while I read it, it struck me so hard that just because a man has sex with another man, or a woman with another woman, it does NOT make them gay.

The physical act in itself, that every hater seem so obsessed about, is absolutely devoid of the feelings that makes you homosexual.

Being homosexual is the physical and mental attraction you have for the same sex, not the sexual act in itself.

Funnily enough, the haters never complain about two women making out in a porno movie with one guy watching, even though logically, this is a homosexual act too.

But I guess that if haters were logical there would be no haters...

Poem "something I have learnt is This"

no matter how Great the pain

how Deep the sorrow

or how important it is to You

the World will keep revolving

around its axis

caring Nothing for your troubles

only you

are standing Still

Poem "not the same"

Hope

is soothing bliss

a tantalising dream

a sweet repose

Hope

bandages your wounds

holds you when you despair

and kiss your cheek when you cry

Hope

you need to violently cling to

is not Hope at all

but only

naked

brutal

unforgiving

Desperation

New Sungkyunkwan Scandal fanfiction "Live Forever II: One" and "Live Forever III: Still Alive"

To Celebrate my returning from Death after a rather long and horrible hospital visit, and my 200 post in this blog, I am hereby presenting the sequel to my Sungkyunkwan Scandal fanfic "Live Forever".

I got some good comments on "Live Forever" due to the extremely sad and tortured nature of the topic, that spurred me to write a continuation which has resulted in two?! fanfics (links go to my AO3 for reading)

"Live Forever II: One"

and

"Live Forever III: Still Alive"

Headers are below, so you get an idea of the rating, after the fantabulous cover image that my ubercute fan Pandoraylam has made for "Live Forever".

Title: Live Forever II: One
Series: Sungkyunkwan Scandal
Soundtrack: One – Epik High
Spoilers: -
Time frame: -
Summary: What happens after you have given that one thing, only you can give? How does someone receive such a precious gift without changing altogether? And why is it that only when something has been taken from us do we learn to truly appreciate it?
Excerpt: “ Jae Shin's hand went back to the arrow. This arrow had had Jae Shins name on it until Yong Ha had stepped between and changed certain fate ...and how he wished that Yong Ha wouldn't have done that.”
Pairings: Moon Jae Shin/Gu Yong Ha
Word count: ~8700
Rating: T (angst, fluff)
Warning:
Other: This is the sequel to “Live Forever”, which I hadn't planned to write in the beginning.
Thanks: To YoonHee, and Anonymous, who thought is was just too sad to to have “Live Forever” end like it did and provided me with the outline.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Title: Live Forever III: Still Alive
Series: Sungkyunkwan Scandal
Soundtrack: Still Alive – Lisa Miskovsky
Spoilers: -
Time frame: -
Summary: What if the only purpose you have found for your life is refused and the love you have can never be spoken, what will you do? Does a life like that mean only despair or can just being alive mean hope, hope that maybe someday something will change?
Excerpt: “Jae Shin's words were meant to be light and affectionate but they only emphasised the loneliness Yong Ha felt. How could he ever tell this man what was in his heart knowing the implications and the pain that would follow?”
Pairings: Moon Jae Shin/Gu Yong Ha
Word count: ~7000
Rating: M (slight depression, fluff, romance, nibbles)
Warning:
Other: This is the epilogue for “Live Forever” and “Live Forever II: One“, which is practically just a sad excuse to have nibbles*
Thanks:

* smooching and touching....

Old poll outcome and new poll "Do you dare tell of your BL obsession?"

So here are the results from the Old poll:

"Should they just have stuck fake beards on the young cast in 'The Moon that Embraces the Sun' and pretended they had grown instead of having an adult cast that is neither as gorgeous or as good in acting as the younger ones?"

or in short:

"Which cast do you prefer in 'The Moon that Embraces the Sun' - young or adult?"

with 28 participants:

89% thought the YOUNG cast beat the s**t out of the older cast (TaMeaut approved!)

while

11% obviously have no taste (yes, flame me, barbecue me, but THAT was the lousiest acting I have ever seen from Jung Il Woo EVER...)

AND, might I add that THAT WAS THE LOUSIEST ENDING I HAVE EVER SEEN IN A DRAMA EVER...Holy flying dead kittens in superman suits...I am soooo NOT going to say anymore or I will threaten to rant forever...

So lets all move on and give you my new poll instead:

"Do you DARE tell about your BL OBSESSION, M/M FANDOM, gay OTP or the fact that you spend all night READING/WRITING gay fanfics to your "real" friends, family and loved ones?"

or in short

"Have you dared tell your close ones about your M/M obsession?"

Poem "marked"

Last night,

deep night

Death stayed by my side

All night,

dark night

holding my hand

in a cold clammy grip

hard enough to bruise

but

not the Death I know

not the Death I know

not for peace

not for comfort

not for love

but from despairing hollowness

menacing

haunting

terror

void

staring back at me

as I was seeking some

peace

comfort

love

this was not the Death I know

just

waiting

waiting

waiting for the moment I will let go

I am not afraid to die

but

not like that

not like that

unknown faces

watching

casually

discussing

white spaces

closing in

while I

lie there

alone

alone

alone

caged inside my decaying body

shaking so hard

focusing everything

on that tiny shivering ember of life

that still remain

inside

clutching the sheets with white knuckles

with a litany of fear repeating in my mind

over

and over

and over

and over again

the only one by my side

a terrifying Death I don't know

bruising my hand

bruising my hand

waiting for the moment I will let go

the only hope

a menacing Death I don't know

bruising my hand

as much as I was

bruising his,

holding on

Pillow Book "still here"

This time, I regretted nothing...

Pillow Book "can I?"

Sometimes I make mistakes and sometimes those mistakes are so big I do not want to face them. I feel like I would just like to leave everything behind and start fresh in some other place. As if the mistake I have made have somehow rotted the very place I occupy and the foul stench of decay is in my nose all the time. So I start over in a new fresh place, with no offensive odours. Again and again.

Then one day I realised.

Despite the distances I have travelled, I wasn't moving anywhere.

For to start over is like dying and being born again, never taking responsibility for the past.

For every new start, what has been is utterly erased, eaten away by the guilt you have. And when you feed guilt, it grows, despite your best efforts to leave it far behind, until it, like a virus, eats everything within you.

Rather than to start over again and again, you have to take responsibility for and learn to embrace the mistakes you make, absorbing them into yourself with the new knowledge you possess.It is proof of your growth, your movement forward.

True learning and insight, can only come from accepting and understanding what has come before.

Be proud of your mistakes, for they only, will move you forward.

We are the Brave New World!

I adore the way fanfiction writers engage with and critique source texts, but manipulating them and breaking their rules. Some of it is straight-up homage, but a lot of [fan fiction] is really aggressive towards the source text. One tends to think of it as written by total fanboys and fangirls as a kind of worshipful act, but a lot of times you’ll read these stories and it’ll be like ‘What if Star Trek had an openly gay character on the bridge?’ And of course the point is that they don’t, and they wouldn’t, because they don’t have the balls, or they are beholden to their advertisers, or whatever. There’s a powerful critique, almost punk-like anger, being expressed there—which I find fascinating and interesting and cool.

Lev Grossman (via Tumblr)

Poem "voidless"

losing my voice

makes me

think it is eternal

makes me

numb

dumb

constricted

confined

losing my self

makes me

think I deserve it

makes me

slip

tip

tilt

and fall

every fever peak

is a roaring abyss of silence

every valley,

murmuring paradise

to speak

to convey

my emotions, wishes and desires

erosion's

of my soul

take it away

and I withdraw into my shell

of me, lamenting my torture

or is it a gift?

maybe even I

have to learn

"Voiceless is not Worthless"

for I shall never be

wordless

Just have to put up this link because it is so true...

What it looks like when I introduce people to the fandom or tell them I write smutty gay fanfiction!

(actually I am extremely lucky because my partner is one of my biggest fans, sitting all nights rereading my smut with twinkling eyes...)

I wonder how many of us keep quiet about having these sorts of hobbies just to not get condemned by friends, family, even loved ones, and society?

In fact, I will make this my new poll, later on!

We all love bromance! but not all of us sing to it...

Poem "maybe even I"

from far, far, far away

there is no difference

between a planet and a star

they both shine bright

like little glowing embers

but right before you

it is obvious

the star has light and warmth

that comes from deep within

the planet,

none

if there was no star

the planet would no longer shine

but if there was no planet

the star would still

glow

---

I am a planet

a small insignificant

cold place

I whirl around my star

my beautiful

life giving star

I bask in light and warmth

unselfishly given by my star

without ever giving anything back

but

I wish

and strive

and dream

that one day even I

can also give something back

to my beautiful, beautiful star

Happy Birthday to my Beautiful Star

You really wanna kill me with love overflow don't you?

This is incredible!

My super duper fan, Pandoraylam, that did the super ultra great fanart for me for "Warrior Baek Dong Soo" (see this post) has created cover art for my fics (and in super high quality!) - including my "Sungkyunkwan Scandal" fics!

I just have to show you cause I am so impressed and honoured! Here is the one for "Storm":

This is the coolest ever - I really wanted to have something like this but I suck at this kind of artsy stuff so Pandoraylam really is doing me a overwhelming favour!

And showering me in LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE....

Now I can't wait for the rest....(fidget, fidget...)

Poem "twofold"

my love is not like your love at all

your love is

undivided

generous

undemanding

you never hold back

and you don't expect anything from me

while

my love is

small perfectly placed portions

constraining myself within invisible borders

and demand a return

and whilst I unwittingly hold back

I wish, I wish I could be like you

for you deserve so much, so much

but I am so afraid

of losing myself

in the love I have for you

for it is far stronger than me

and much more generous than me

and it is far, far more worthy than me

so please

don't let me go

but try to see my heart

nestled in this concrete of my self

and one day I am sure

it will wither and give back

a thousandfold

what you deserve

SKKS Fanfic Community and "Recommended Reading"

I recently joined a fanfiction community "SKK Scandal @ LiveJournal", they have lots of authors making fanfiction about "Sungkyunkwan Scandal" so all who are interested can head over to their page for great entertainment!

I also have added to "Recommended Reading" one of my favourite "weird" pairing fanfic from "Sungkyunkwan Scandal" - XXX/XXX (I will leave the pairing a surprise! ..the very idea is strikingly appalling yet Decodexx pulls it off brilliantly! Every time I read I cannot stop from giggling...) So head over to read it:

The Real Scandal by Decodexx

I am so proud to be part of this fandom!

from kdramaconfessions

(maybe its so good because we are all respecting each other and what we create instead of acting like rabid sasaeng fans...)

Poem "please don't"

My empty chamber

is crowded

with the repose of moths

I have quenched every flame

for I am afraid

shooting stars will light my rooom

on fire

"New" writer for "Warrior Baek Dong Soo"

Just found this little gem of fanfic for the "Warrior Baek Dong Soo" fandom that I have added to the "Recommended Reading":

"Sun and Sky" by Laine-laine

Its a short fic with the musings of Un-ah about his relationship with Dong Soo, but beware - at first you will find it light, but the end will blow you away!

Oh Ma Gawd! Love overload!

Dudes, LOVE is all around....

You have to check out this amazing pic that my über-cute ultima fan Pandoraylam has made for me! (notice the title of the book Un-ah is reading!!!)



I am so spazzing of sheer ecstasy here...Cannot believe someone actually likes my fics so much they add me into the fandom like this - its like the ultimate LOVE declaration!!! Just like when Anaapenas added me to dongsooslashyeoun ! Gosh, guys, I am overwhelmed!

She has other stuff going too that is amazing but I have to wait for it to be finish....aaaaaaa....I am so impatient....

Poem "true freedom is not what you think"

my body is a cage

a thin, densely packed wiring

confining all that I have inside

all that is me

from escape

I would not want this mortal failing shell

to again resurrect

I would rather shed it

like a cicada

and take to the skies

forever freed of my bonds

and gravity

leaving only an empty husk

on the ground

New Fanfiction with a twist from "Warrior Baek Dong Soo"

I am currently obsessing about the scenario in "Euphoria"...

I have gotten so much brilliant feedback on my smutty "Warrior Baek Dong Soo" fanfic "Euphoria" that I decided to write an alternate version of it since the scenario is just too good to write just one, and I warning you all - I am going to have to keep writing until this scene is out of my head...

This one is more romantic and fluffy, as it was in many peoples comments, and please observe that this is NOT a sequel - it is an ALTERNATE VERSION!

So here you go: "Euphoria: Honeythief" in my AooO with header below.

_____________________________________________________

Title: Euphoria: Honeythief
Series: Warrior Baek Dong Soo
Soundtrack: Honeythief – Halou
Spoilers: -
Time frame: Ep. 17 (first meeting after three years)
Summary: What happens when the puppy you played with and cherished so much, suddenly runs away from you. Did you search for him? Or did you abandon him, like he did you? And if you meet again would you want to punish him or is forgiveness stronger than revenge?
Excerpt: “I am crying and with every tear, I get one step closer to my final dream, a pool of blood and you walking away. For I will drown in this lake of tears and broken dreams and you will walk away, for I am not worthy of anything else.”
Pairings: Baek Dong Soo/Yeo Un
Word count: ~13000
Rating: NC17 (angst galore, smut galore and fluff galore (so much fluff, bunnies are embarrassed) )
Warning:
Other: Since this scenario was just WAY too good to write only one fic about (“Euphoria”) I have here written an alternative version with a different angle. However, I am still reusing some of the original writing from “Euphoria”, especially the beginning and the end is the same with only subtle differences, so don't think you are crazy if you recognise some of it. Text in “bold” is original dialogue from series.
Thanks: To everyone who wanted a more romantic/fluffy love scene in "Euphoria"

Pillow Book "just maybe"

I am not superstitious. Not at all.

Yet, as I laid there in my hospital bed, again, with the weight of an elephant on my chest, trying to gulp in those four deciliters of air that I could manage to keep me conscious and the morbid visions of how my funeral would be if that weight would increase just ever so slightly more, I couldn't help thinking...

Maybe, just maybe, I should have made a wish on that falling star...

I, in my ignorance didn't wish for anything. For I already felt I had it all...

how...arrogant...

From now on, I will make wishes on falling stars...so I at least will not think about it the next time I lie there trying to survive...

Return from Zombie World II...

Old poll outcome and new poll "Young vs Old in 'Moon Embraces Sun'?"

So here are the results from the Old poll

"Instead of getting stabbed in the heart by the person Un-ah loved the most, should he just have said F%#K this S#%T, grabbed Dong Soo and made him his bride...and gone on a steamy honeymoon."

or in short:

"Did you like the ending of Warrior Baek Dong Soo?"

with 69 participants:

67 hated the ending (which I find only natural to such a OOC and rushed ending)

while

2 actually liked it

so instead of asking these two what they thought was good about the ending (which will undoubtedly make me fall into a dangerously long rant) I will move on and give you my new poll:

"Should they just have stuck fake beards on the young cast in 'The Moon that Embraces the Sun' and pretended they had grown instead of having an adult cast that is neither as gorgeous or as good in acting as the younger ones?"

or in short

"Which cast do you prefer in 'The Moon that Embraces the Sun' - young or adult?"

For details see my earlier post on the lacks of the adults in comparison to their younger counterparts.

Bring back my young ones from "The Moon that Embraces the Sun"

I am bored. Or rather I am bored of "The Moon that Embraces the Sun".

When the show started I was running around naked in my room in excitement that another show from the author of "Sungkyunkwan Scandal" was going to show. I looove, or rather I ABSOLUTELY ADORE "Sungkyunkwan Scandal" and with "The Moon that Embraces the Sun" I was anticipating a new enormous hit, however...

it bores me...somehow nothing is happening, they just keep going around in circles around a pretty boring subject and the chemistry of the main cast is void.

or should I say the chemistry of the main ADULT cast is void while the YOUNG cast was absolutely BRILLIANT! I keep waiting for the flashbacks to them since they are the only thing that keeps me watching.

Jeo Jin Gu (Hwon) blows my socks off - he is so charming that I have added him to "Inappropriate Younger Crush" and his acting is making me ecstatic.

while

Kim Soo Hyun leaves me bland, he is a good actor but he just doesn't measure up to his younger version.

Kim Yoo Jung (Yeon U) is incredible, sweet and cute yet deep and profound. Fantastic acting and her chemistry with Jin Gu is mind blowing.

For the first time I am shipping a non M/M couple!

while

Kim Yoo Jung is just a sad excuse. Just like Frodo in "Lord of the Rings", she only has ONE expression: huge eyes with tears in and frozen mimicry. Also her chemistry with Soo Hyun is so devoid of feeling that I was actually cringing at their more intimate scenes.

Lee Min Ho (Yang Myeung) is incredible as an actor and such a cutie and he really pulled off the cast away prince that still loved his little brother

while

Jung Il Woo should have sticked to "Return of Iljimae" where his melancholia actually did the trick, for I jsut find him spoilt and disagreable (O'boy am I gonna get a lot of flame for this one from all the Il Woo fans...)

Lee Won Gun (Un) was an eye opener (literally, he has gorgeous eyes) pulling off the proud loner without feeling unsocial

while

Song Jae Rim is just a whipped puppy (although he is growing on me a little...)

Siwon (Yeom) isn't really my cup of tea but he really gave a full dimension to his character that his grown counterpart Song Jae Hee seems to have dropped somewhere. Am I also the only one that feels that his relationship with his princess-bride is bordering on inappropriate since he looks like he is at least 30 while she looks (and acts) like 14?

Also, I am going to add that the entire young cast are sooo much more gorgeous than the adults - especially adult Yeom is beyond my understanding...wasn't he suppose to be the most gorgeous guy ever?

Anyway, in addition to this the story is sooooo boring that I find myself doing fast forward sometimes just to skip the entire crying scenes that seems to last for hours...

Couldn't they just have stuck fake beards on the young ones and pretended they had grown? and give me some bromance, please...

(Picture from chae-shi)

because he is liquid mercury

(pic from Tumblr and quote from "God of Study" edited by me)

Poem "sapling II: sprout"

Last night, when the moon was new

I dreamt of Life

He descended from heaven like a god

with raven tipped wings

lawful

fearful

hopeful

He whispered

"I hold in my heart the knowledge of endings.

If you so choose, I will give it to you."

then,

ethereal

lithe

wispy

his skin colder than ice, as

he seductively lent into me

"Weed the garden of seeds

and uproot the saplings of Death

and mortality, will crumble like earth in your hands"

---

He was so confident,

so sure of my answer

but

I just smiled and looked at him.

"I cannot choose you,

for my heart is already given.

Blinding Death is my mistress,

for only she gives freely

the seeds of beginnings."

Knowledge given so easily

is not wisdom at all,

and uprooted sprouts

gives infertile earth

for

From each flower

ignorance would flow

From each root

decay would grow

and each seed

would move the World backwards

one grain at a time

for the knowledge of endings

only take root

in a heart touched by Life

---

Despairing

Desperate

Crying

He wrapped me in feathers

and whispered again

"Will you then die in this moment?

Choose wisely again,

and live, live forever, with me."

but I

still smiling

was not tempted at all

for I would choose loving Death

over ice cold Aeons,

over and over again.

---

In this World there is

nothing more beautiful

nothing more worth keeping

than the fragility of our lives,

and the knowledge

that only grows when the World moves forward,

one sprout of Death

at a time.

For Mamie

Poem "within"

The Eyes of a Tiger,

is nothing special.

It is the Fang of a Tiger,

the Claw of a Tiger,

or so I thought

until I saw,

the Eyes of a Tiger

and without it moving

I felt those fangs,

sink into my neck

and I felt those claws,

raking open my chest,

exposing my still beating heart

without the Tiger moving,

without it touching me once

It ate me,

whole

For the Fangs and the Claws

that rake and tear and kill,

begins

within the Eyes

of a Tiger

Word Challenge "Sungkyunkwan Scandal"

So I did a Word Challenge for "Sungkyunkwan Scandal", I had loads of fun doing it but I lost in the end because I got to engrossed in my story.


(chibi pic from Fearless)

If you don't know what a Word Challenge is then let me illuminate you:

A challenge can be made with specific rules, that are given beforehand.
You will have a set amount of time, or specific guidelines to write after, and if you break one you lose.

In short, it is a writing game!

For example, the rules I used were:

2 random words, same first letter (taken for example from a dictionary)
First word sets theme
Second word must be in text
No more than 300 words per text
10 minutes to write

and I chose my topic to be in short snippets from the life of Gu Yong Ha and Moon Jae Shin and I managed to write six pieces before I lost on the seventh.

So for all hardcore Sungkyunkwan fanfic fans, I put it on my AooO page, HERE!

Slutty Valentines Day to You all

Yes, I include all the Haters in that too...cause I am "better" than You...

Hope you all have a "Joon" tied to your bed waiting at home...

if you don't then the go here and get your daily fix of how God meant for men to be: Hot, Bothered and completely at your Mercy...

now yo'all have to excuse me...I am gonna go and drizzle melted chocolate on "mine"...Because I deserve it....

MBLAQ's Joon changes profession to...SEX?!

or so you would wish! Nyahahaha...

Stumbled across this absolutely smutty piece of writing from Jindeul "I Love my Sex Trainer", which features my bias right now, Mr. "sex-on-legs" himself Lee Joon as God meant him to be: a sex trainer...

He even has a featurette video for it:

Ta-Meaut approves...and has added it as "Recommended Reading" to the right in my listings.

(Man, I wish I had trailers for my fanfics...that would be soooo cool...)

What happens when "Edward" bites "Super Junior"

AHAHAHHAHHAHA....AHAHAHHAHHA...CANNOT.....STOP....LAUGHING....

Super Junior's perfume advertising makes "Twilight" look cool...

and what's up with the name of the perfume? They couldn't think of a more subtle name than "Sexy"?!

(although I would not say no to Dong Hae with those teeth and that suit...yes, I admit I find him slightly "sexy" like this...Oh,no, the ad must be working....aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah)

Poem "what wouldn't I give"

A crossed shadow falls over me

as I am lying in the soft grass

I look up into the painfully blue sky and realise

it is a sleek white bird

with wings so big they can wrap around you

covering all,

and Heaven.

Mesmerised

I trace its smooth flight with my tearing eyes

until it vanishes into the far distant

and I realise,

I am looking straight into the Sun.

Hurriedly I close my eyes

but in the red darkness of my lids

All I see

is the outline of a black bird against a blinding white light

burnt forever into my retina

My eyes clenched shut, tears running down my cheeks

I suddenly

feel a soft wind against my cheek

as the bird,

returned,

sweeps past me, so close,

so close,

I can feel the tip of its wing against my cheek

As if to say,

Thank You,

and Good Bye.

Final chapters of WBDS fanfic "Euphoria"

Rejoice my minions!

Your Master promised and have finally delivered!

Here is the final chapter and the epilogue for the Warrior Baek Dong Soo fanfic "Euphoria", all neatly placed in AooO.

Phew, I don't think I will ever do this again...I mean publish chapter by chapter...I am a wreck...


(pic from here edited by me)

I will try and post it on the blog to later on...

WTF rant on "Fated to Love You"

Someone recommended the Taiwanese drama "Fated to Love You" for me so I have seen a few episodes now. My general verdict can probably be comprised in the multi usage abbreviation of WTF!?

Not only is the story reeaaally incomprehensive with general plotline of an arrogant guy, in love with another girl, making a "sticky-note" girl pregnant "by drug-induced mistake" and then having to marry her against his will, but all the actors are soooo baaad I am crying...blood...

However is we skip these two small things that I can somehow overlook, there is ONE thing I absolutely cannot. This series is like a ambivalent BAD propaganda series for communist China. In the entire series they keep talking about mothers and babies and they are "holy" and babies are from God and so on and so forth ONLY to give out ill-masked crappy "advice" on how expecting mothers, and fathers, should act.

For example; In one scene the two pregnant women go to a bar and order the strongest, largest alcohol beverage they can get.

Here is a pic of them sipping the drinks the bartender gave them (please note the obvious pregnancy on one of them):

The suddenly one of the women puts down her drink in anger that it doesn't seem to contain alcohol:

Then the bartender has to explain to them that when you are pregnant you cannot drink alcohol?!

which makes one of the women parrot back to the other what she just heard, even though she just seconds ago sat sipping what she thought was a huge alcoholic drink...

I cannot express in words right now how frustrated I get while watching this....WTF, shouldn't they know this already?

I am not even gonna start with the rest of the "advice" the litter all around this series...

That's it for me, and now that I have blown off some steam I can tell you that the rest of "Euphoria" will come tomorrow, when I have checked it for mistakes...

Bonus pic

Despite the Christian ideals and talk of God in this series, they give birth to Satan's baby (note the nr on the crib):

Why Yeo Un SHOULDN'T die...

Right now I am experiencing a serious Catch-22 moment (meaning circular argument...).

In my previous post "Why Yeo Un should DIE..." I wrote the obvious reasons why he absolutely have to die but then Maria reminded me of everyone else in the cast what was still alive and would therefore also age...like Dong Soo!

That in turn made me think of Nerjaveika's glorious SLASH/CRACK video in which we get a hilarious/horrendous glimpse of the future of Baek Dong Soo turning an alcoholic after killing his best friend/love-of-his-life. (by the way you should check ot this video...I laughed so hard I almost opened up my operation scars...thanks again Nerjaveika...you make my day...)

(screen cap from Nerjaveika's WBDS SLASH/CRACK video , edited by me)

So I realised that if Un-ah lives then this will never happen! However if Un-ah lives then we have the worst case scenario that I described in "Why Yeo Un should DIE..." .

So now I am going in circles. Either Yeo Un will turn an ugly alcoholic or Dong Soo will...aaaaaaargh...the choices, the choices...

Maybe I should make a poll out of it: "Who will make the best alcoholic: Un-ah or Dong Soo?"

Why Yeo Un should DIE...

So the other day I was watching some episodes of sageuk "Gye Baek" (mostly because of a rumour that Lee Min Ho was acting in it...and it was true!!!) however I also stumbled across something that made me laugh so hard I almost fell off my chair.

Suddenly in one episode there is a letter sent to a mysterious assassination group (does it ring a bell?) and there is the leader (ding...dong) of the organisation standing in a room that looks VERY much like the headquarters of Heuksa Chorong (shrill ringing in my ears...). The camera zooms in and the leader turns around and I scream in horror, it is UN-AH AGED 50! (actually it is Ahn Kil Kang with a wig and mustache and wrinkles so deep you can bathe in them - not to mention the bags underneath his eyes.)

With this introduction, I got instantly the feeling that this is what Un-ah would look like if he would have stayed leader of Heuksa Chorong (I mean he was starting to drink pretty heavy in the end of the series and all those killings and bad conscience does bad stuff to gorgeous guys...) instead of dying beautifully and remaining gorgeous in all our memories forever...

With that said, I am going to hereby stand by the fact that IT WAS GOOD THAT UN-AH DIED...for I don't think I could live through him looking like that....oh, my poor heart...(by the way I still stand for the fact that I didn't like the ending but now I am sure Un-ah had to die...)

You should all check it out - the scene is short but hilarious...although I cannot remember which episode it was in, I am sure it was some of the first ones for the child actors are still there...

Update WBDS fanfiction "Euphoria", chapter 4 and 5

Wohoo...more smut, smuttier than smut.

You have all been so nice to me with fantastic comments, making me blush in joy, so I thought I had to work really, really hard. Hope I managed:

Chapter 4 and Chapter 5 of "Euphoria" is up on AooO!

...and thanks all you guys with the noosebleeds! Much appreciated!

Because I like slutty boys

Pic from Tumblr edited by me

Correction

Maria just made me aware of the dubbel-posting of my third chapter of "Euphoria" - it was probably a bug in AooO, because when I posted it yesterday it seemed to be fine...It is corrected now!

Sorry to get all your hopes up like that :P, however the next chapters are coming soon, so I hope you will forgive me for the "cock"-up!

NEW chapter for WBDS fanfic "Euphoria" (3/7)

As a Friday treat I hear by give you the next chapter of my latest "Warrior Baek Dong Soo" fanfic "Euphoria"!

And this is the one I know YOU all have been waiting for: SMUT galore...(and more on its way...)

The new chapter (Chapter 3 of 7) can be found in AooO, here or if you wanna read from the beginning again, here.

(pic from Tumblr)

Dears, have fun while reading (in any "position" you want...)...Oh, and if anyone would accidentally get a nosebleed- please do tell me...I would like to know...

PS Anaapenas! Please help yourself...If you'd like...

Better late than never

Down with suppression!

(Sorry for being 10 days late but I was writing and when I do I block out the World in the strangest ways...)

Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness

I strive hard in my life to be openminded and accepting, why is it that some people cannot? The reason they do not want to say out loud, is fear. Fear of change.

Well I say: Without change, nothing can move and the greatest fear I have is a World that does not move forward. I want to believe that we can make this World beautiful and that can only be done by accepting and embracing.

In support of the recent nasty messages by "haters" to our very own brilliant videographer Nerjaveika (you can find her sumptious videos in her YouTube channel here!) I would just like to say: I like you ALL, even the haters...for aren't we all just humans living our lives, wanting our liberty, and in pursuit of Happiness?

NEW eagerly anticipated WBDS fanfic "Euphoria" with seme/uke swap!!!

Yes! It is finally here, the ultra smutty new Warrior Baek Dong Soo fanfic that I have been promising you all...and YES, Un-ah and Dong Soo are switching positions!!! (I know you have all been waiting for that one, eh, you naughty things, you...)

This time though, it is sort of special.

1. The fic turned out to be ENORMOUSLY much longer than I had anticipated, so this time I have divided it into 7 Chapters and I will ONLY post it them AoOO right now, since blogger has problems handling those sizes (I know from personal experience). I will try and put it on the blog later on when all the chapters are done.

2. Since the fic turned out so long I haven't finished tweaking the last parts yet, so I have decided, for the first time ever, to publish it chapter by chapter, as I finish tweaking them. I generally do not like to do this since I am not a linear writer (meaning I am all over the place when I write, going back and forward to change things) but this time I am "mostly finished" (as in "mostly dead" from the "Princess Bride").

So the header is below and the two first chapters are up here and the next one's can be anticipated within one-two weeks, starting today.

___________________________________________________

Title: Euphoria
Series: Warrior Baek Dong Soo
Soundtrack: Euphoria – Vamps
Spoilers: -
Time frame: Ep. 17 (first meeting after three years)
Summary: What happened to the puppy you played with and cherished, that one day ran away, throwing away your affection. How did he survive on his own, has he grown in to the wolf you imagined and would he still remember you if you met again? Would you want him back to again cherish him? Or would you prefer to take your revenge on him for abandoning you without an explanation?
Excerpt: “Do you want to make me bleed for what I said then? Do you want to take your comfort in my pain for all the unforgivable things I have done, the people I have killed?”
Pairings: Baek Dong, Soo/Yeo Un, Yeo Un/Baek Dong Soo
Word count: ~13000
Rating: NC-17 (hardcore smut, angst, violence, some madness and fluff (if you squint) )
Warning: Not for the faint of heart cause I am going all out here...
Other: This is how the first meeting between Dong Soo and Un after three years apart should have been in ep. 17! Courtesy of Cherkell that gave me the idea of the brilliant scenario. Also this is the spiritual sequel to “Black Star”, however you can also read it on its own. Words in “bold” is original dialogue from series.
Thanks: to everyone who desired a “swap*”-fic. Thanks to nitsa where I nicked the phrase “Don't think too much, it's simple.” and to dfjules that I nicked the concept “from puppy to wolf” from.

*interchanging seme/uke rolls in the same fic

Poem "jealousy"

Tender turns to thorn

want turns to war

and love...turns to something else entirely

as darkness spreads in your heart

like ink on paper