Fanfiction "Black Star"

Title: Black Star

Series: Warrior Baek Dong Soo

Soundtrack: Black Star – Avril Lavigne

Spoilers: ep. 9-11

Time frame: ep. 9-11 (at the beacon post)

Summary: If you have never loved before, how can you know the feelings you have are love? If no one has ever loved you before, how can you know that what they are giving is love?

Excerpt: “Un-ah hadn't hesitated a second before he answered. He didn't know love, so how could he possibly have felt passionate love?”

Pairings: Yeo Un/Baek Dong Soo, Baek Dong Soo/Yeo Un

Word count: ~4300

Rating: NC-17 (angst, smut)

Warning:

Other: This is the companion fic to “Unusual You”, it can be read as both a direct angsty sequel or just alone as an alternative to “Unusual You”, since I have changed the mood from fluff to angst. In ep. 11 I felt as if Un-ah's entire demeanour had changed at their return to the palace, as if he had come to a tough decision. This is my idea of what that was. Quotes in “italic” are original from series.

Thanks:

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”Black Star.

Forever you will be,

a shining star.

Be what ever you can be.”

“Un-ah?” Dong Soo's voice resonated in the dark as rich as caramel.

“Do you think one day, that we will be up there?”

“What do you mean?” Un-ah was also on his back, an arm comfortably underneath his head, looking up on the stars that were glistening above.

“A star?”

“Well, I mean...when we die, do you think we go there? Where the stars are?”

“Baek Dong Soo, you really have some strange ideas” Un-ah couldn't stop the smile from forming on his lips. They hadn't been friends for that long and they had just had their 57^th duel which Dong Soo had miserably failed for the 57^th time, yet he still always cockily came back for more. Un-ah was secretly enjoying their fights but he would rather have chopped off his hand then told Dong Soo that.

“Well, I am sure that if we would, you would become a huge bright star, overpowering all the others, making the night just as bright as the day.” Un-ah chuckled, Dong Soo had such a huge belief in himself that somehow the idea of him shining more brightly than all the other stars was very fitting. In a way, this was Un-ah's idea of a compliment, however Dong Soo, as usual, didn't take it as such.

“Aish, I am serious here. What? You think I have a large ego, eh?” Dong Soo sat up, throwing some grass on Un-ah.

“Well...then...then you will become a huge black star that...swallows the light from all the others...” and Dong Soo laid back in the grass, all pleased of having silenced the ever so clever Yeo Un. For silenced he remained, for a long while, as they lay there in the cool grass listening to the quiet noises of the night.

“Dong Soo, I am sure you are right...” Un-ah could hear the slight tremble in his own voice and only hoped Dong Soo wouldn't. Truth hurts, always. For hurt it did, an almost unbearable pain originating in his clenching heart, travelling all the way over his skin to his eyes, blurring the twinkling lights.

“That's what I will become one day” Un-ah brought his free arm up to cover his vision. He didn't want to see the bright, twinkling stars anymore.

Just like his dead father had predicted.

“A black star.”

---

Why had this old memory of their childhood resurfaced now? Un-ah shifted, slightly uncomfortable in Dong Soo's crushing embrace. The night air was cool on his sweat damp skin and it was clearing his head a little. Their lovemaking this time had been slow and tender, almost sweet, yet it left Un-ah with a curious sinking feeling in his stomach. Was it because he had almost lost Dong Soo? Was it because he had saved him from the snake poison even though he had gotten the order to kill? When Seo Yu Dae had openly professed that to save Dong Soo's life he would have to cut of Dong Soo's arm, Un-ah's heart had almost stopped. Without thinking Un-ah had jumped right in and used all his acclaimed skill to cut open Dong Soo's infected arm and suck out the poison. He could still recall the taste of Dong Soo's blood in his mouth. That nauseating taste of copper and salt mixed with the bitterness of the snake poison. Yet he had continued to suck and spit until he couldn't taste the poison anymore. Why had he been so frantic? What was really another life to him? Had he done it only because he owed Dong Soo a life?

Un-ah was conflicted. He had thought that Heuksa Chorong always would come first for him yet in the end, he had chosen Dong Soo without hesitation. Why?

This word seemed to mercilessly haunt him. Why? Why? Why? Why was he here, now? Why was it that every time they met like this it was never enough? Why was it that he had such a need for Dong Soo? What was this desire he could not sate? When had their nightly sessions become so numerous? He always seemed to return for more, almost as if against his own free will.

Dong Soo was slightly snoring next to Un-ah and Un-ah shifted his head to the side so he could observe Dong Soo in his sleep. What was it with this man that was so addictive?

Bringing his free hand up he traced over Dong Soo's forehead, straight nose and soft lips. The touch made Dong Soo shift in his sleep and to Un-ah's surprise he could hear his own name leave Dong Soo's lips, against his fingers.

“Un..ah...”

Just that, Dong Soo's warm breath against his sensitive fingertips and Un-ah, despite being completely saturated just a short while ago, wanted Dong Soo again. He wanted to bury himself into that hard body once more and forget everything else than Dong Soo's cries and eager compliance. Annoyed and embarrassed by his body's quick response Un-ah shook off Dong Soo's heavy arm and sat up. He should leave. He always did. After all what purpose was there to stay when he had gotten what he wanted?

Yet he hesitated. The soothing calmness of the night and the warmth of Dong Soo's body was making him reluctant to return to the cramped, cold tent they used to sleep in. Would it really be so awful to linger a little? Maybe he would just take a little bit more of this solace, enjoy a little bit more peace in the refuge that was Dong Soo .

Correcting his dishevelled clothing he leant back in to the grass next to Dong Soo. Almost instantly he found himself again enveloped in Dong Soo's arms. Even in sleep he was fiercely persistent and it made Un-ah smile and relax in to his grip, his eyes straying to the night sky above.

At first it seemed to be devoid of any lights but as his eyes got more and more accustomed he could see small twinkling lights start to appear to finally fill the entire sky. It was breathtakingly beautiful and it made him recall his own words.

“Dong Soo, you would become a huge bright star, making the night just as bright as the day.”

He smiled, it really was so true. Dong Soo was just like a bright shining star, warming anyone in its vicinity without ever holding back, even Un-ah.

Lying there enveloped in that very same warmth Un-ah realised that he was playing a dangerous game. How easily Dong Soo was making him forget his duties by just sharing some caresses and his addictive warmth. How easy it would be to give in.

Looking up to the stars he secretly wished he could stay like this. Just let go of everything and take what Dong Soo was offering. How desperately he wanted to give in.

He shook his head lightly, maybe it was about time he stopped these nightly escapades. They would soon leave the beacon and return to the city and Un-ah knew, he knew for certain that Cheon would be waiting for him. Heuksa Chorong would be waiting impatiently for his return, and Un-ah could not escape, no matter how much he wanted.

Yes, he had had enough. It was time to leave this imaginary world he had created with Dong Soo and resume the cruel responsibilities he himself had chosen so many years ago. Heavy resignation filled his aching heart. His future was not to be with Dong Soo, he knew it, oh, how he knew it. The only thing he could do was to take these memories that Dong Soo had given him so freely and lock them inside his breaking heart.

The heart that he would have to throw away to follow his destiny.

As the killer he was and the assassin he would become..

---

So what was he doing here again?

Un-ah had no idea what had happened. He, who had been so intent on never touching Dong Soo again what was he doing here in the dark, being mercilessly pounded by the very same? One moment he had tried to avoid Dong Soo and the next he had found himself kissing him back like there was no tomorrow. This time it was neither tender nor gentle. No, Dong Soo was aggressive, almost violent and he had immediately taken the lead, entering Un-ah without proper preparation. It had hurt viciously, but Un-ah found it was enhancing his already tensed senses to an almost unbearable pleasure. Dong Soo was relentless in his onslaught. Even as Un-ah had cried out in a mix of pain and pleasure Dong Soo had not missed a thrust or even slowed down a little. No words were exchanged, only a desperate need for each other was displayed as Dong Soo's thrusts became more and more desperate and Un-ah raised his hips to meet them.

He shouldn't be here. This was too danger...

Then Dong Soo hit a spot inside him and his mind went completely blank in exquisite pleasure. As Dong Soo leaned forward to claim Un-ah lips he pushed even deeper and without being able to stop it Un-ah came in a loud cry staining Dong Soo's hand with a flood of his hot seed. Un-ah's exhilarating climax easily pushed Dong Soo who, just moments after, moaned out Un-ah's name into the kiss and emptied himself in a blast of never-ending fire into Un-ah.

Un-ah's mind was void. He couldn't recall what he had been thinking about before, all he could do was feel Dong Soo collapse all sweaty, on top of him, breathing hard in his ear like he had run for miles.

There they stayed for a long time until Un-ah's mind started focusing again and with focus came questions.

Why had Dong Soo been so mad at him? Was it because of the chat they had had with Seo Yu Dae?

“Hey rascal. Have you ever felt passionate love in your heart?” Un-ah hadn't hesitated a second before he answered. He didn't know love so how could he possibly have felt passionate love?

“Never.” For Un-ah it made perfect sense but as he had glanced at Dong Soo he could see in his face that something was very wrong. Dong Soo had looked away as Un-ah had turned to him but he could see by the way that Dong Soo was pressing his lips together that he was upset. However since he hadn't voiced it out loud Un-ah hadn't thought more about it.

Then, as they had laid down to sleep, Dong Soo had forcefully grabbed him and dragged him into the field. Cho Rip hadn't even protested, he knew better than to come between their nightly duels. Un-ah had also, very sleepy and annoyed, thought that Dong Soo was going to challenge him once more but as they had reached the field Dong Soo had grabbed him in his strong arms and forced a sloppy kiss on Un-ah, almost as if to punish him. Un-ah had immediately given him a sharp hit on the shoulder so that Dong Soo would let him go, but Dong Soo surprisingly hadn't budged. He had only taken Un-ah's arms and bent them behind his back and forced another deep kiss on him. Un-ah who had started to protest, suddenly felt himself incapable of resisting, the desire inside him rising to a crashing wave by Dong Soo's heated kisses and roaming hands. Un-ah found himself inescapably kissing him back on pure instinct, almost desperate for more. Feeling his eager response Dong Soo had just thrown him in the grass and continued to take him, and here they were now. Spent, satiated, bruises forming and semen and sweat cooling on their bodies.

“Un-ah...is it true?” Dong Soo's voice was almost a whisper in Un-ah's ear.

“Have you never...loved?”

“Ahh...why? What is it to you, Baek Dong Soo, if I have never loved?” The question took him slightly aback in surprise. Un-ah had been right about the reason for Dong Soo being upset, but he couldn't figure out why it seemed so important to Dong Soo.

Dong Soo slipped off Un-ah and sat up next to him looking into the night with his arms around his knees.

“Then...what are we doing?”

The question seemed to hang in the air and Un-ah tilted his head to look at Dong Soo, trying to read him, but it was too dark and all he could see was the outline of Dong Soo's figure.

“What do you mean? Isn't it obvious?” Un-ah couldn't help but smile, Dong Soo really was full of strange thoughts.

“No it isn't. It isn't obvious at all...at least not to me. I thought...” Dong Soo's voice was trembling slightly and he didn't continue the sentence.

“What did you think?” Un-ah was curious. Dong Soo couldn't possibly think...?

“I answered truthfully before, I do not know love. I have never known love.”

“Then, does any of this mean anything to you, Un-ah?” Dong Soo had raised his voice and was now grabbing Un-ah by the shoulders lifting him to sit up right.

“Un-ah, look at me...This...Us...?”

“I don't understand your question. Isn't this enjoyable?” Un-ah frustratedly shook Dong Soo's hands off. Dong Soo was not making sense, his questions were illogical, but the acute tone of Dong Soo's voice was making Un-ah uncomfortable. He didn't want to think anymore about this, the sensations Dong Soo was raising in him was making him scared. No, they terrified him.

“Does it have to be more? Aren't we just two people sharing what we have in an enjoyable way?”

“So if it wasn't me here, then...it could be anyone?”

Un-ah went quiet. He had never thought of it like that. All his desire had always been directed at Dong Soo so it had never occurred to him that he could be with anyone else. But now as the question was voiced it seemed to hold some hidden meaning that was not evident to Un-ah, as if Dong Soo knew something he didn't. Un-ah didn't know what to answer. He had never been with anyone else or done anything like this before, but he assumed that if he felt for someone else what he felt for Dong Soo now, then it would probably be the same to be with them, wouldn't it?

“Ahh...it...could.”

Dong Soo didn't respond straight away. Instead Un-ah could hear him breath in sharply at his reply, as if something was hurting badly and when he finally spoke it was with a low contained voice Un-ah had never heard before.

“Un-ah, I...am not like you...this...for me...I...I will leave now and...don't come to me again...” and Dong Soo stood up to leave but was hindered by Un-ah's grip on his sleeve.

Un-ah was frustrated and he felt as if something important had gone right past him. Why couldn't Dong Soo just explain the problem? It was making him angry, was Dong Soo looking down on him?

“Baek Dong Soo! What do you want from me?”

Dong Soo just shook off Un-ah's hand and replied without turning around.

“I wanted something I thought you had already given, but now I know that it is impossible. Lets just stop. Lets stop this because I cannot take it.” and then he left without a sound, leaving a confused and bewildered Un-ah on the ground.

---

Several days had passed and Un-ah still felt as if something he should know had passed him by.

Ever since Dong Soo had walked out on him that night the relationship between them had been tense like a string with too much weight on. Un-ah could see Dong Soo forcing himself to play the eternal jester, but behind his smile was a hint of sadness Un-ah had never noticed before. It was bothering him. What Dong Soo had said that night was bothering him. Even being close to Dong Soo was bothering.

“Ahh, I am going crazy here.” Even voicing it out loud was bothering him. He stood up and started walking out of the camp.

“Un-ah where are you going?” Cho Rip was also bothering and this time Un-ah couldn't hold back his annoyance as he uncharacteristically took out his anger on Cho Rip.

“None of your business. Just let me be.” and then he stalked off into the woods to do what Yeo Un was best at, train, leaving an astonished Cho Rip behind him.

Yeo Un went out into the forest and trained like obsessed. He trained, and trained. In cold weather, in warm weather, when it rained, when the sun shone or night fell. As if every hit of his sword would swipe those emotions that Dong Soo away with sheer violence. It had worked, to a certain degree.

Weeks passed like this and every time he would come back he felt calmer more composed, less bothered. Until Dong Soo would come into his field of view once again. Dong Soo was slowly awakening long forgotten things in Yeo Un. Things he thought he had rid himself of forever.

Like that lingering feeling he had in his heart every time he was near Dong Soo. He thought it had been quenched but somehow it had just changed from a deep need to a dull ache. Something was amiss and Yeo-un couldn't figure it out. Hadn't it been a good thing that Dong Soo had ended it? Hadn't Un-ah been about to end it himself? So why, why was he now worse than ever? He found himself thirsting for Dong Soo, craving him, longing for him.

He needed to discipline himself more, he decided, grabbing his sword and heading into the forest. He would discipline his traitorous body and then this need would go away.

---

So many things had happened in such a short time, Un-ah thought, as he was casually wandering the dark garden of the King's palace.

The beacon test had been the most straining thing Un-ah had ever encountered, not because it had been physically challenging but because it had made his poor heart stop so many times.

It had stopped at the idea of Dong Soo being punished with death for failing to light the beacon.

It had stopped when Dong Soo idiotically had leaped off that cliff into the stream below.

It had stopped as Dong Soo had given him that last arrow and his complete confidence in Un-ah's success.

It had stopped when Dong Soo had crushed him in that fierce hug of joy as the beacon was lit.

It had stopped as he had realised that the Crown Prince was standing in front of him, just three paces.

It had stopped as he thought that Dong Soo would be punished for not showing proper respect to the Crown Prince.

The last thing had made Un-ah slowly reach for his not-present sword, prepared to fight to the death for Dong Soo, but finally, mercifully, nothing had happened. So here he was now roaming the palace looking for the very same Dong Soo for no other reason than that he had a desperate need to see him. It was the familiar unceasing longing, tormenting Un-ah at this very moment.

Finally, there Dong Soo was. Un-ah was just about to eagerly call out his name when he realised that Dong Soo was not alone. The mysterious Ji Sun was standing just centimeters from Dong Soo, caressing the pendant Dong Soo had around his neck, with a tender expression on her face. Un-ah did not want to eavesdrop but the wind brought enough of their conversation to make his heart stop for the seventh time that day.

“Then... Miss... you have saved my life.”

“Looks like we have a bond of destiny.” Dong Soo's awkward posture and the Ji Sun's sweet smile was almost more than Un-ah could take.

Yes, she might indeed have a destiny with Dong Soo and Un-ah knew all too well that he did not. But even knowing this, hearing it said out loud was making his heart clench and his guts churn. He knew. He had always known that Dong Soo was an impossible dream, something he could never have except for the few fleeting moments they had shared in the dark, yet faced with it like this made all his feeble illusions crumble like gravel. Yes, had he not always known it? Then, why? Why was it hurting like this?

Was this jealousy? Un-ah went nauseous at all the dark emotions swirling inside. He wanted to run up to them and take Dong Soo far away from her. He wanted to make Dong Soo look away from her lovely face and look at Un-ah instead. He wanted Dong Soo to kiss him like he had done that last night. He wanted to desperately hold Dong Soo and never let go. In his mind his entire life flashed by in sharp fragments but all he could focus on was his memories of Dong Soo. His wide smile, Dong Soo underneath him with eyes half closed in pleasure, those soft lips instinctively seeking his, Dong Soo's strong dexterous hands, his fiercely beating heart so close to Un-ah's, his...

“Hey rascal. Have you ever felt passionate love in your heart?” Seo Yu Dae's profound words were again echoing in Un-ah's head.

Was this what they called love? Is this what love is? Is this how it feels? The weight of the very implication was pressing down on Un-ah making him go all weak in his knees, just as Dong Soo's words that last night.

“I wanted something I thought you had already given, but now I know that it is impossible. Lets just stop. Lets stop this because I cannot take it.”

Un-ah couldn't breath properly, he wanted to vomit, he wanted to cry his eyes out and scream into the night. Had Dong Soo offered him something very precious and had Un-ah, in his ignorance, cruelly turned it down? He had been so oblivious, so heartless, so stupid. Had Dong Soo offered him his heart? Why hadn't he seen it? Suddenly all his feelings were so clearly defined, sorted and labelled. How he must have destroyed Dong Soo. How he hated himself. The very thought of having made Dong Soo hurt was enough to let his heart convulse in violent cramps. This was pain, he realised. Not the type of pain you get from a sword or a hit, no, this was real pain. The type of pain that can never be healed, never be covered and never be forgiven, even with immense time. The pain you get from mortally wounding someone you love.

The world unravelled at Un-ah's feet and he could see fate at work. He could see all the actions he had ever made and all the words that had been exchanged. He could see his own twisted path that had lead him here, now, and he could see Dong Soo's straight wide path. He could see their paths crossing ever now and then, but just occasionally, for short insubstantial moments. Never more than that. It was breaking Un-ah's heart.

Never had Un-ah seen everything so clearly, never had he wished so strongly that he didn't have to see it.

When Dong Soo brought his hand up to clumsily caress her cheek, Un-ah had seen enough. His heart could take no more. Defeatedly averting his eyes he silently moved into the shadows and away from the place of light where he did not belong.

He knew now where his place was and it was not next to Dong Soo. No matter how much he wished for it.

He knew now who he was and what he had to do. No matter how much he wanted to deny it and fight it.

Just like how a piece of paper can only be folded seven times, his heart was not capable of folding any more. No matter how hard he tried or how much pressure he put on it, it just wouldn't fold.

He was...utterly defeated. And it was himself who had done it, and now he knew.

Thus, he would cage his desperate longing and suffocate any other feeling he had left. He would lock this futile love inside his crumbling heart and then abandon it forever. And when he could feel no more he would take the path that fate had chosen for him and that was all that was left for him.

The winding path of an assassin, a taker of life.

“...A black star...”