Title: Say it Right
Series: Sungkyunkwan Scandal
Soundtrack: Say it Right – Nelly Furtado
Spoilers: up to ep. 20
Spoilers: up to ep. 20
Summary: Yong Ha learns the hard way how to deceive and Jae Shin learns the discerning way of desire and ultimately love.
Excerpt: “Had he been so drunk that he couldn't remember what he had been doing. Why was there a person lying sprawled across him? Who was this? Where was he? Was he still wearing his pants? ”Time frame: First part takes place one year before series start, second part somewhere in the middle and last part after series end
Pairings: Goo Yong Ha/Moon Jae Shin
Word count: ~19000
Rating: M
Category: angst, romance, fluff, comedy
Category: angst, romance, fluff, comedy
Warning: -
Other: I have taken some freedom with the personal history and personalities of both Jae Shin and Yong Ha.
I have written a smutty (NC-17/MA) end to to this fanfiction "Starry Eyes" if you are interested
I have written a smutty (NC-17/MA) end to to this fanfiction "Starry Eyes" if you are interested
Thanks: Solanyxe who with her amazing fanfiction made me write mine better
Part One
“Oh you don't mean nothing at all to me”
Takes place about one year before “Sungkyunkwan Scandal series” start
Deep in his heart Gu Yong Ha had a secret..
True to his nickname “Girl Forest”, Yeorim´s outward appearance was that of a dandy ladies man who could always be found surrounded by gisaeng and wine. He appeared to gloss over surfaces rather than walk just as he glossed over involvement with anyone or any cause since it would ultimately take all the fun out of it. And be too risky.
He didn’t like to participate in sports since he had to make an effort and winning and loosing was just politics in the end anyway. He loved beautiful women, beautiful men and beautiful clothes.
The fact that he was absolutely stunningly handsome with his graceful face, pouty lips and charcoal black eyes didn't hurt his fame either.
He spent most of his days choosing what to wear, plotting entertaining misunderstandings or drinking with gisaeng and his friends. All of this he did with his everlasting smile.
Though if you would bother to look deeper into that smile you might notice that it never reached his dark eyes.
For Yong Ha had a secret.
Buried deep in the soil of his heart, a secret so grave that no matter how he smiled and laughed it ended at his lips. Because Gu Yong Ha was deeply, utterly and unforgivably in love.
In love with his best friend of ten years – Moon Jae Shin, nicknamed Goel Oh. A man...
The only times the smile would reach his eyes, transforming his mocking face to such a gentle one, was when he was smiling with Jae Shin...
Goel Oh, Crazy Horse, was also true to his nickname. Looking more like a mountain bandit than a scholar, with his unkempt hair, piercing coffee brown eyes and preference for black clothing in disarray, acting like a brute and fiercely hiding his sensitive heart.
Jae Shin was the fear of the campus as he did most of his discussing with his fists and even though he was a brilliant scholar he had already repeated the same courses two times because of his penchant lifestyle of refusing to follow rules, leading to him loosing more points per year than he was gaining them.
Yong Ha knew no other person who was as kind and honest as Jae Shin. He also knew how he suffered after his brother died. As much as Yong Ha had wanted to comfort him he was not one who receives comfort easily. And so Yong Ha had watched him all these years, and the more he watched the more fearful he grew, as Jae Shin became the “Red Messenger” and the hole in his heart grew for each day. Yong Ha silently noted how Jae Shin was trying to fill that hole by relentlessly and continuously risking his life. Punishing his body, trying to make it feel something.
It was no secret to Yong Ha that Jae Shin spent most of his nights flirting with danger by spreading propaganda against the political factions as the masked “Red Messenger”, or trying to cover up the fact that he was indeed doing such things by brawling, drinking and playing cards until late hours.
The fact that Yong Ha knew this was unknown to Jae Shin and he preferred to keep it like that. It gave him a freedom to inconspicuously help Jae Shin or cover for him, something he had done more than a few times in the years they had been together.
Because only for Jae Shin would he throw his mind and body to the gutter and take the beating. To protect. Only Jae Shin would make him take the risk of engaging in real battle and leave the safety of vocal diplomacy to the winds..
While Yong Ha was a complex odyssey of feelings, Jae Shin himself mostly felt only two things: anger at the unjust world and indignation at his own helplessness. He was mad at the world, at his father and at himself. And he missed his brother.
He needed the “Red Messenger” to have a way out of his pain and frustration. To live.
Sometimes though, he admitted to himself that he could feel something else, other than the two most obvious ones. He felt affection.
He felt a strong affection for Yong Ha. His best friend and shadow, who had always stood on his side and who were always there when he needed him.
He knew everyone thought their friendship was the most obscurely concocted liaison two beings could ever endure but Yong Ha fit him perfectly.
His Yong Ha, who possessed an uncanny ability to see everything and who was much deeper than his flighty ways gave him credit for.
Yes, Yong Ha was most definitely the most important person in Jae Shin's life. After his dead brother, that was.
…
Yong Ha had loved Jae Shin for as long as he had known him and he knew that he would continue to do so for the rest of his life, without fail.
Being a man of sparkling intellect and razor sharp deduction nothing was ever truly hidden from him.
Not even his own feelings.
Therefore he was also a man true to himself and his emotions. He had know the very first time he laid eyes on Jae Shin that he would mean so much more to him in the future than even his own life. His beating heart and quicksilver mind had told him so, many years ago.
Unfortunately it wasn’t always just fun to be so aware of all that was happening. Especially if it involves yourself and the person you love. Yong Ha knew that in this time and place in history his innocent feelings could become a death sentence to Jae Shin, even if they were one-sided.
Not even once fooling himself that Jae Shin shared his feelings he had therefore invented himself as the perpetual court jester. He was entertaining and charming. People loved him. He dared speak his mind, but in an eloquent way, and quietly noted all that happened around him to the slightest detail, since none took him seriously enough to keep on guard around him. It gave him a perfect cover to not let people know his real preferences. Hap-hazardously it also gave him many opportunities and alibis to help Jae Shin, away from prying eyes.
But even though he was an honest man, the need to hide his emotions from people and even Jae Shin, Yong Ha had learned the hard way some years ago when they both had just entered the University at a tender age.
When he was younger Yong Ha had been a bright, open boy who would never lie and he had openly shown how much he liked Jae Shin, and they had been inseparable. Best Friends.
It would never have occurred to Yong Ha that what he felt for Jae Shin was wrong, instead he firmly believed that love can never be wrong. Of course that was until that one time, that fateful time that had changed everything.
...
Recollection
“and all of what I feel I could show you tonight ”
They had frequented one of the student parties outside the campus and the wine was flowing, a little too much as both men were unused to drinking. As they had unsteadily and merrily made their way to the dorms and their room Jae Shin requested to sit down on the porch for a while to sober up. Truthfully he didn’t have the confidence to enter their room in his intoxicated state and accidentally break any of Yong Ha's nice furniture since he would raise hell. Yong Ha was very particular with his environment and Jae Shin trembled at the last time he had unintentionally broken a particularly ornamented table in his fury over something.
He could still remember the look in Yong Ha's eyes when he had seen what had happened to his venerated tea table. Again Jae Shin trembled – indeed Yong Ha would be a dangerous man to have as a nemesis.
First Yong Ha had given him a look full of distaste and quoted the “Great Learning” on that “Great men knew when to stop and thus there would be peace in the lands”.
Ouch, that had hurt since Jae Shin particularly strived to be a great man in his own sense and because that part had been his brothers favourite.
Yes, Yong Ha had a way with words.
Then Yong Ha had forced him to eat sixteen portions of raw squid until Jae Shin was green of disgust. Still today he could not even look at a squid and not feel nauseous.
The thought of squid sent a round of goosebumps down his legs until all the little hair stood up, and he shook his head trying to make the idea fly away.
Absolutely lethal, his Yong Ha was, and the thought made his lips curl in a secret smile.
Yong Ha on the other hand was delighted. He had had a brilliant evening since Jae Shin had preferred his company the entire evening and, under the influence of too much wine been completely unguarded in his thoughts and actions allowing Yong Ha more closeness than ever.
As Jae Shin closed his eyes and leaned on the pillar behind him, Yong Ha's absolutely worshipped the amazing man before him. Jae Shin was completely dressed in black and his wavy hair was going in a wild halo around his squarely cut face. The way he was lodged on the porch against the pillar made him look like a big panther momentarily forgetting to keep his attention to a maximum. Yong Ha was both proud and honoured that Jae Shin behaved like this with him, he would never let down his guard with other people.
Yong Ha inched closer until he was almost touching his leg. Boundaries lost to the wine added a feeling of boldness to Yong Ha and feeling closer than ever to his best friend he had thrown all propriety to the winds, asking him straight out what he thought of Yong Ha.
“Do you like being with me Jae Shin? Do you like me?” Yong Ha had suddenly blurted out, not able to contain himself anymore, emotions overflowing.
“What's with the strange questions suddenly? You´re drunk? Jae Shin had teased him with his husky vibrating voice.
“If I didn't I wouldn't be here....”
“No, that's not what I meant, I mean....what I want to say is....I really like you Jae Shin. I like you so much, I lo... “ Yong Ha's voice trembled as he tried to tell Jae Shin how much he really meant to him.
”Jae Shin, you are so important to me, I love you so much...Do you... love me like that?” Yong Ha's eyes searched Jae Shin's face for clues that he had understood the meaning of what he was telling him.
“Sure I do!” Jae Shin had replied confidently, not really understanding where all of this was going.
“I guess you could say it like that...”
“No! I mean...” Yong Ha was getting frustrated. He cursed the slowness of his best friend
“I mean love! Love like holding and kissing and....Like this...”
And Yong Ha, for once wordless to express what he felt, had firmly grabbed the unsuspecting Jae Shin, put his arms around his neck and planted his lips right on top of Jae Shin's.
Jae Shin, too surprised and dazed to do anything, had frozen in place with his mind completely blank, with his best friends lips on top of where the next sentence would have come out if he had had a chance to formulate one.
Yong Ha was in heaven, his most fervent wish had come true. For months he had been obsessing about kissing Jae Shin, burning with the desire to touch and as he hazily noted in the back of his head that Jae Shin was not pulling away he leaned in deeper and let the tip of his tongue lightly touch Jae Shin's.
Jae Shin's mouth was hot and moist with a lingering aftertaste of the wine he had drunk earlier and the musky savour that was Jae Shin's own. It was enough to intoxicate Yong Ha to the point of insanity, he couldn't get enough of this bittersweet kiss.
Lightly tipping his head to the side he had full access to Jae Shin's voluptuous mouth and as his lips slowly caressed Jae Shin's he pressed himself closer to enjoy the radiating heat of Jae Shin's body.
At first Jae Shin was so shocked that he couldn't move at all especially not since he was caught with the pillar in his back. His mind was grasping for thoughts but they became void as the cool lips of Yong Ha was hitting him like a thunderbolt, lighting a raging forest fire within him.
Jae Shin grabbed hold of Yong Ha's collar to force him away but when hen he felt the tip of Yong Ha's tongue entering his mouth the hands that had started pushing reversed their action pulling him closer. He opened the mouth slightly to protest but Yong Ha only took this opportunity to deepen the kiss even more, letting his hand smooth over Jae Shin's collarbone. Jae Shin couldn’t stop a shudder of pleasure as Yong Ha's tongue slowly caressed his mouth wile his hand were trailing goosebumps on his throat.
Jae Shin had never felt anything like this...He was burning. Every nerve end in his entire body were ignited and he could feel his heart thumping so loudly that it should have been heard audibly.
Letting out a lustful moan he astonished himself as his instinct took over and started to kiss Yong Ha back. After all he was more a man of action than thought and right now his reptile brain was emperor.
He had never kissed before but letting Yong Ha lead him he was soon drinking in the taste of Yong Ha as if he had never done anything else. He would never forget the unique taste of Yong Ha, it was as cool and refreshing as a drinking from a roaring waterfall in the early autumn after running for hours and he found himself thirsting for more and more.
Yong Ha was melting, Jae Shin was kissing him back like a beast in heat and his throaty moan sent Yong Ha's brilliant mind into overdrive. He could not think, he could not reflect. All he could do was kiss Jae Shin as if there was never to be a tomorrow...
and, thinking back now, there would be none either...Yong Ha sadly noted to himself...
As Jae Shin's feverish hands sought their way underneath the top of Yong Ha, wanting more, his trained mind suddenly registered a sound, as if someone walking on gravel.
The sound brought him back to reality and it came crashing down, the precariousness of the situation, the closeness of Yong Ha and the surprise of his own reaction. He violently pushed away from Yong Ha and turned around towards the sound. Unfortunately Jae Shin's strong push sent the completely unprepared Yong Ha backwards, of the porch, and without a chance to stabilize himself he fell so badly that the step stone found his way right above his brow making him see stars for several minutes.
Yong Ha had not heard the guard at all and brutally removed from the most voluptuous experience of his life, slightly dizzy from the fall he looked up at Jae Shin just as the blood started trickling down the side of his face.
“Why? Why did you pu...” He started saying but the look in Jae Shin's horrified face silenced him.
Jae Shin stared horrified at the result of his violent withdrawal, Yong Ha was sitting on the ground with blood trickling down his brow and his deep, dark eyes full of confusion, but just as Jae Shin was about to rush forward to help Yong Ha a campus guard on duty came around the corner.
The guard, only seeing the result of the situation, immediately assumed the two men had been fighting and that Yong Ha obviously was on the loosing side. The mortified guilty look of Jae Shin didn't really do anything to help clarify the situation either.
As the guard rushed forward with a yell to help Yong Ha, who was clearly hurt, he completely covered Jae Shin. Because of this Yong Ha never got to see Jae Shin's eyes filled with worry and a newly budding understanding of what had happened between them. All Yong Ha knew was that he had kissed Jae Shin and that he, as any normal man in this century and place would or should do, had reacted in disgust leaving the end result as it was.
It was enough. Defeated he let the guard drag him to the infirmary leaving Jae Shin standing there looking after them with mixed feelings of confusion and worry with his hand stretched out after them.
…
Since everyone assumed they had been fighting, Jae Shin was confined to his room while Yong Ha spent some days recuperating in the infirmary leaving them unable to meet.
This was making Jae Shin crawl out of his skin, he had never been a patient man and this situation was gnawing at him. He was confused and restless. He felt a dire need to meet Yong Ha and talk to him to sort this out. He replayed the night in his mind.
Had Yong Ha really kissed him?
Had he kissed Yong Ha back?
The very recollection of Yong Ha's lips slowly moving on his made him feel weak in the knees and his heart started beating like crazy. He could almost feel Yong Ha's cool hand caressing his neck again and the sheer remembrance was enough to send a rivet of goosebumps down his arms.
Hic! Dammit, where did that come from? He annoyed covered his mouth with the sleeve to suppress the hiccup.
Why?
Why?
Does this mean he loves me?
What does it mean... Did I really react like that?
He kept pacing back and forward in the small room as he thought out loud.
I definitely kissed him back!
And it felt so incredibly good, a small voice added in the back of his head, making Jae Shin freeze in place.
Does this mean I love him?
Love...
He knew that Yong Ha meant a lot to him, more that what he sometimes would like to have admitted, but love? He didn’t know love.
Was this how love felt?
“Aaaargh!” Putting a vocal exclamation to his frustration he knew he had to do something or he would trash the entire furnishings of their room.
He needed to talk to Yong Ha, there was nothing more important now! As he had decided he ripped the sliding doors open to briskly walk over to the infirmary when he realised that the object of all his discomfort was standing right in front of him. Below the porch, with the back towards him.
Yong Ha had wallowed in his pain for several days, both from the vicious cut on his forehead and the one in his heart, and he had finally come to a decision on what to do. He felt that Jae Shin had given an answer to his impertinent question by his reaction that evening.
He must have been so disgusted and shocked at my behaviour. Yong Ha felt another viscous stab in his heart.
No matter how much Yong Ha himself hurt he refused to loose Jae Shin.
At least as a friend I can stay by his side. Forever...
Friend...
The word felt parchment dry and isolated. But the thought of never being with Jae Shin again made it feel like an oasis. He was certain that this was the only way and with a grim resolve of that he was about to loose Jae Shin if he didn't pull this off he ignored another violent stab in his heart. With his hand pressed over the hurt he ventured out to lie horrendously to his best friend and most beloved.
Jae Shin's heart beat furiously. Yong Ha was standing right in front of him and it was like electricity was travelling on top of his skin and passing through his body igniting all parts. In that instant he knew that no matter what would happen in the future Yong Ha meant a lot to Jae Shin, he could not say if it was love but it didn't matter right now, he needed Yong Ha and at least he would be able to apologize and clear this. Everything else could follow later.
Breathlessly Jae Shin took a step forward calling out his name, his lips forming a smile.
“Yong Ha!”
At the sound of his name Yong Ha slowly turned around.
“Jae Shin! You bad boy! Why haven't you come an visited me? And here I have been waiting so long that I thought I would come and visit you myself...”
Yong Ha had put on a huge grin and a pretended air of nonchalance to cover his pain, but at the sight of Jae Shin's brilliant smile he almost wavered.
How I love him, he sadly thought.
Jae Shin's smile dropped as he examined Yong Ha's face for clues.
His best friend was white as a sheet, sporting a huge bandage over his right eye and there was the faintest hint of blue underneath his eyes.
Yong Ha looked very young and fragile and Jae Shin could even see the edges of the bruise underneath the bandage. It looked painful, and a strong sense of shame struck him as he realised his own roll in causing it.
“How is...the he..head? “ Jae Shin stumbled on the words remembering the situation that had caused it.
“Oh, fine, fine...not really serious at all...” Yong Ha continued with played easiness, but in the inside he cringed at the look in Jae Shin's eyes. He could read shame and embarrassment and took for granted that it was because Jae Shin was recalling what had passed between them..
Jae Shin took a step closer and brought his hand up to the bandage as he spoke.
“Does.. does it hurt much? “ Yong Ha elegantly dodged the hand. If Jae Shin would touch him now Yong Ha would break down crying, admitting everything.
“No, not really...” Well, at least not in comparison to my heart, Yong Ha thought and grimly bit together his teeth before continuing.
“Well, I suppose its not more than I deserve..for playing such a prank on you...” He could not look Jae Shin in the eye for fear of being discovered. He had thought hard about how to explain it all and this was the best explanation he had come up with that fit his profile. The most believable one. The saddest one. Would Jae Shin believe his lie?
Jae Shin took a step back at this sudden confession.
“Prank? Whatever do you mean? Wha...” He could not finish the sentence, if it was true it was too cruel..It couldn't be true. Yong Ha was lying, he was sure...he would never do that, especially not to Jae Shin. Especially not to Jae Shin.
“Don't lie, I know...” Jae Shin continued but was interrupted by Yong Ha who, collecting the last of his strength, looked Jae Shin straight in the eye and told the largest lie of his life.
”It was a prank. I mean..the kiss...I was just playing with you. I made a bet with the maids that I would steal your first kiss and... What I mean is that, you see....they, the maids I mean, they have been gossiping about you, telling me how handsome you were and...” Yong Ha blabbered on, deathly afraid that Jae Shin would NOT believe him and and the same time afraid he really would believe him. He continued
“So I got jealous, I mean I am suppose to be the ladies man and here they were talking non-stop about you. So I made a bet...and I won...” Yong Ha finished his incredulous construct and not even once did he look away. If it had been any other situation the absolute willpower of himself would have made him proud but now it only made him feel wretched. He could feel cold sweat running down his neck and his knees felt all weak but he knew that the instant he would break eye contact Jae Shin would not believe him, and then he would never see him again. So he was holding on for all he was worth.
Jae Shin was speechless. His best friend was standing in front of him telling him the most peculiar thing. He didn't want to believe this was true, the Yong Ha he knew would never do such things, so at first he could not understand why Yong Ha was so obviously lying but as Yong Ha's gaze insisted he started to think that maybe this was all true. Yong Ha had never lied to him before and he also knew that Yong Ha had an habit of looking away when he withheld things from him. So the conclusion could only be that all this was really true... Bet...first kiss...
His initial confusion and surprise was slowly evolving into a searing anger and when he finally talked there was an unmistakable harshness in his voice.
“So you mean to say that this was all a game to you?”
That was the moment Yong Ha's heart died. Jae Shin had believed his lies. Yong Ha was so ashamed and he knew how betrayed Jae Shin would feel.
He watched as Jae Shin's eyes went from shame and embarrassment to anger, and he knew that once Jae Shin got angry there was no stopping him, just like a wild horse.
“Eh, yes, I mean...sort of....but I will never ever do it again, I swear...plea...” Jae Shin's fist connected by a dull thump with Yong Ha's face sending him to the ground. The numbness of his lips and the taste of blood in his mouth sealed the lie. Jae Shin had never laid a hand on him before so this was the ultimate proof he had sought for Jae Shin believing his lie
“I am sorry. I am sorry, Jae Shin. I promise you it will never happen again, please...” continuing the sentence that had been so brutally shortened, Yong Ha didn't look up but stared obstinately at the blood drops that had fallen into the dust and were slowly soaking up.
Jae Shin didn't know what to reply, he was furious about being played. He still could not believe Yong Ha had made a bet out of him, and of such a thing also. He looked down on his still clenched fist and saw that some of Yong Ha's blood had stained it. It throbbed and with his usual habit he brought the hand up and inadvertently licked it. As the blood spread in his mouth he recalled the taste of Yong Ha's kiss and he felt himself turn red in embarrassment of his own passionate reply.
What bothered him most was that he didn't know if he was more mad about the kiss being a bet or the idea that it could have been real.
Should he not be madder if the kiss was real?
If it was a joke it just mean that they were friends and that Yong Ha had just played a joke on him, really no harm done.
But if the kiss had been real, what would he have done?
What if Yong Ha had confessed that the kiss did mean something, what then?
Had it meant something for himself?
Was that why he was so angry?
The bell of truth was banging so hard in his head that he could not ignore it.
It did mean something. It had meant a lot, and that was the reason he was so mad...
The realisation removed all sense of anger he had held in his heart, replacing it with a dull ache, and not really knowing what to say he said the first thing that came up
“Whatever...I guess I owe you for making you bleed twice... So lets say that we are even now...” and with burning cheeks, not looking back, he walked away. He felt an alarming need to be alone with this new emotion he had just discovered and he absolutely did not want Yong Ha to know of this, ever.
If Jae Shin had looked back at Yong Ha's face at that moment, the following years of misunderstanding would probably never come to pass. For none who would have seen the expression in his face and the defeat in his eyes would have believed for a second that Gu Yong Ha had told the truth. His face had turned even whiter than before and with the blood on his lip and the eyes slowly filling to the brim with tears he looked the epitaph of a man that had just lost everything.
Yong Ha was defeated, his heart turned to ash. There was nothing left for him. No comfort. And he was all alone. He felt like a betrayed Captain on the battle field. The General had sacrificed all his soldiers and thus lost the battle but the sacrifice had won the war.
Yes, he had lost the battle but he HAD won the war!
The pain in Yong Ha's eyes was being replaced by harsh determination and a grim smiled formed on his bleeding lips.
His reward for all his dead soldiers was that he would be allowed to stay by Jae Shin's side, and that he planned to do for as long as he would let him. Forever, if need be.
...
A few months later it was as nothing had ever happened, at least outwards. Yong Ha was now sporting a fading scar in his forehead and an everlasting smile on his lips that, from that day onwards, never quite seemed to reach his eyes anymore.
Jae Shin had acquired the nicknamed Goel Oh or “Crazy Horse”, specifically due to this episode since everyone thought he had gone crazy attacking Yong Ha, his best friend. For yes, the entire campus knew they had had a fight but none really knew why. There were speculations about women or gambling but most people just attributed it to Jae Shin's fiery temper and the entire episode was soon forgotten for other more fleshy gossips. Forgotten by all except the two victims.
Yet they were still inseparable. They laughed together, they drunk together and they studied together. And they never, ever mentioned the kiss again.
But if you would have looked closer you would sometimes see Yong Ha's gaze linger a little bit too long on Jae Shin's mouth whenever he didn't know. And Jae Shin's eyes would sometimes brush along the scar on Yong Ha's forehead. At these times they would display matching sad smiles at the recollection, but both made a sport out of never mentioning it again, ever.
…
“Goel Oh, Goel Oh!” Yong Ha threw himself on Jae Shin, to Jae Shin's dismay. He was tired and annoyed, since last night hadn't gone according to his plan. Instead of chasing some hard earned fear into corrupt politicians by sending one or two arrows their way with a clever message, he had found himself being chased over the rooftops like a goose in flight, by the relentless Royal Guards. Looks like they were starting to take him seriously. He had to start thinking of a new strategy. He grumbled. Strategies where not his forte but he couldn’t tell Yong Ha about the “Red Messenger” or he would never hear the end of it.
“Goel Oh!” Yong Ha's fervent calling made him snap out of his reverie. He didn't really appreciate Yong Ha's overuse of his famous nickname. It seemed as if, ever since the incident with the kiss, Yong Ha never called him by his real name but preferred to use his nickname instead. It didn't please Jae Shin at all, he missed the way Yong Ha's velvet voice would teasingly call his name in such a way that you would almost imagine him lying seductively in silk sheets calling out for his lover to hurry back, but he would rather have been stripped naked and thrown in a pond of piss before admitting it.
“Go away...” He answered gruffly to Yong Ha's energetic attempt.
“Hic!”
“Ooh, Goel Oh, did you play too much last night? Women?” Yong Ha tantalized him with a smile, since he knew full well what Jae Shin had been doing the entire night. After all, he had been doing almost the same thing himself and it had taken quite the effort to make the guards loose Jae Shin's tracks. It was really getting harder and harder he noted to himself.
This specific night Yong Ha had taken the use of his friends and teasingly promising them beautiful women the unruly party leaving for the Moran-Gak had “accidentally” covered Jae Shin's hiding place and impeded the pursuers in the raucous crowd. Yes, he knew exactly Jae Shin's patterns, he should know. After all, he was Gu Yong Ha and he lived only for one person.
Jae Shin's reply was to promptly remove Yong Ha's arms around his shoulder and stomp off.
“Ah, Goel Oh, don't be like that...and here I thought you would be the one most happy over this archery contest! You are, after all, the schools best archer.”
This did strike a cord in Jae Shin, he had forgotten the contest while pondering over other matters. Yes, he loved archery and yes, he was good. This would be fun...
He turned around and started marching up to the shooting field, very pleased with himself at the thought of using his bow for something else than scaring politicians.
“I knew it, you are going to the field aren't you...Then I will go with you! I just love watching you shoot.” Yong Ha went all giddy at the thought of watching Jae Shin shoot his bow. He really was that good - with a sharply defined form and a concentration and force that was outstanding. Yong Ha loved watching
“But before you go there, we have to go to class first.” Yong Ha soberly added. This was the last chance Jae Shin had to finish his studies and Yong Ha would not let him do otherwise. Protecting Jae Shin was not only against guards but also against himself, he bemusedly thought.
Although Jae Shin was itching to shoot he knew the reason in Yong Ha's comment so he let himself be dragged into class without even grumbling about it once.
The lesson of “The Doctrine of the Mean” was just as dustily tedious as the name implied especially if you, as both Jae Shin and Yong Ha, had mastered the volume long ago. So they spent the entire class thinking of other, more pleasant things instead of the classic teachings.
Jae Shin was sitting furthest to the wall in the classroom since he found this most comfortable. He didn't like to sit with his side to the large opening on the other side of the classroom. It made him feel exposed and unprotected. An occupational hazard, he assumed.
Another reason he loved to sit in this spot was that it gave him free access to watch Yong Ha who was sitting in front of him to the side, right in the opening.
Jae Shin thought it was the most alluring thing he had ever seen. The sunlight falling on Yong Ha's face gave it a luminescent glow and when he looked down Jae Shin could see the shadow of his eyelashes on his cheeks.
It never failed to amaze him how handsome Yong Ha really was. Usually he was prancing around like a proud stallion with is eternal mischievous smile and the movement added an attractiveness that most people appreciated but Jae Shin thought that a concentrated Yong Ha was the most alluring thing on Earth. It was as if every line in his face had been smoothed over, his jawline cut from steel and his moist lips had a softness that made him utterly irresistible. He could have been a jade sculpture. Incomparably irreplaceable. Precious beyond belief.
“Hic!” Darn it, I have to get these hiccups under control he thought as he was suppressing yet another one. He didn’t know when it had started but suddenly he could find himself hiccuping for no good reason, usually around Yong Ha, he noted annoyingly.
The his gaze shifted to Yong Ha's forehead and the small bleached line that could barely be seen unless you looked for it. The small smile he had had without knowing failed and was replaced by a scorn.
Yes, Yong Ha was a priceless vase, beautiful and hollow, he cruelly thought reminiscing the bet Yong Had made of his kiss.
It annoyed Jae Shin that Yong Ha was so shallow. Had he always been like that?
It was so strange Jae Shin thought. When they were younger Jae Shin had confided everything in Yong Ha and Yong Ha had done the same with him.
Where had they lost it? Nowadays he didn’t know if Yong Ha was ever serious about anything and he didn’t dare confide in him anymore. He was afraid to be ridiculed or worse exposed to Ha In Soo and his lackeys that Yong Ha seemed to favour at this moment.
Just once he would have wanted Yong Ha to look him in the eye and be serious. He wanted it desperately. Yong Ha was such an unknown factor to Jae Shin that he was always lingering in his mind. It was starting to seriously bother him.
Throwing another glance at the object of his annoyance he lost the last thought he had in fascination of Yong Ha.
At this very moment, Yong Ha seemed to be very concentrated as his dark eyes focused on the paper in front of him. He was writing. Jae Shin could see his elegant hand move with practised ease and he relished the moment. Watching Yong Ha was a great pleasure since everything he did he did with a grace that outshone many men and women. His willowy, long fingers held the brush without almost any pressure and as the hand moved over the paper forming the words Jae Shin found himself holding his breath as if his very breathing could disrupt the black ink being soaked into the paper.
As Yong Ha continued writing he lightly bit his lip in concentration, causing, to Jae Shin's embarrassment , a flash of desire to course through his abdomen and he uncomfortably changed sitting positions.
Yes, many things about Yong Ha annoyed Jae Shin.
Ever since the kiss Jae Shin had started noticing Yong Ha's lips. He had troubles to not stare at them when Yong Ha was talking or biting them or putting his fingers to them. In fact he had started noticing everything about Yong Ha. How the fluid garment danced around his legs as he walked, how the corner of his mouth went up when he was about to tell him a certain piece of interesting gossip, how he slightly tilted his head to the side whenever he was worried about Jae Shin and the way he smelled as he threw his arms around Jae Shin. Jae Shin breathed in and closed his eyes, Yong Ha's scent made him think of fresh bamboo shots or dewy grass at sunrise, crisp, cool and refreshing. Utterly mouthwatering.
Ahh, he could almost smell it all the way to his seat.
He opened his eyes and with an ironic smile on his lips realising he was daydreaming about his best friend he threw another glance at Yong Ha.
Now the tip of Yong Ha's tongue darted out to lick where he had bitten and Jae Shin mind went wild as he was recalling another time he had seen that...
“Hic!”
…
Recollection
“I can't say that I don't know that I am alive ”
Jae Shin rushed through the forest. The sun was setting and he wanted to reach the waterfall before it went down completely. This was the perfect time to go bathing alone.
He was very pleased with himself having stumbled across the small lake by chance one day, and ever since he used it as often as he could. There was nothing better than to soak in the clear water just when the sun was setting.
This was his private place where he could completely relax and let go of his tedious awareness. He had even kept it secret from Yong Ha, or should he say “especially from Yong Ha”. For it was from Yong Ha he wanted, or needed to flee.
Jae Shin was constantly thinking about Yong Ha. Sitting in the class room, reading, talking, going to the market, sleeping, laughing or drinking, every little ordinary thing or extraordinary, Yong Ha was always there in his mind, if not by his side. It was mightily disturbing and Jae Shin could not figure out why it was so.
When Yong Ha was not there, Jae Shin could concentrate on nothing yet when he was there, right in front of him, he felt prickly and agitated.
Jae Shin, used to single emotions at a time acting on them straight away, could not start to comprehend the abyss of feelings Yong Ha created in him.
He wanted to hit him and then he wanted to touch him. He wanted to look at him and then he couldn't look any more. He wanted to hear his voice, yet when Yong ha spoke Jae Shin felt as if his voice was resonating inside him, causing mild seasickness.
He couldn't eat properly, he couldn't think properly and he couldn't relax for a second.
Even now Yong Ha was on his mind.
He was really looking forward to throwing himself in the water to get rid of the days sweat and grime and to make the cool water clear his head but as he burst through the rim of the forest he stopped short in his tracks.
At the edge of the lake he could see a bundle of clothing and in the water a head was sticking out. Someone was already occupying his favourite spot. Annoyed Jae Shin stepped out to claim ownership of the small lake knowing full well that most people would run at the sight of him. But he froze in a step and his jaw dropped as the person in the lake stood up.
Ethereal...
The first word that sprang to Jae Shin's mind.
The intruder was standing with his back to Jae Shin and water reaching just to the hip exposing just a hint of his firm buttocks. His body was unmistakeably male, perfectly proportioned with wide shoulders and narrow hips, lithe and sinewy in a very graceful way. As he moved his hands up to his face Jae Shin could see the muscles play underneath the wet skin. And what a skin, milky white and flawless, absolutely mouthwatering.
The person was taking handfuls of water pouring it over his shoulders and neck and Jae Shin's was mesmerized as he followed the movement. He noted every little detail. The indents of his ribs, the muscular arms, the liquid motion of his hands as they were dancing over the body.
As much as Jae Shin could see it was undoubtedly a man he had never before seen anything so beautiful. The hair was jet black, perfectly straight and falling all the way down below the waist, the tips just dipping into the water.
The mist from the waterfall was spreading in clouds over the surface of the lake all the way to the figure, lending it a magical property. And as the sun was setting the last rays were lingering right on the spot where the ethereal creature was standing. It was if his entire being was lighted from within and the sun made every little drop of water reflect the golden light until Jae Shin was almost blinded. When the heavenly being brought his hands up to pull the hair from the back over the shoulder exposing his naked back Jae Shin's breath got caught in his lungs. The rainbow shimmer on his damp skin made it appear as if he had folded out his wings to take flight.
Who was this celestial creature?
He had to find out!
Jae Shin leaned forward just a little bit more to try and catch a glimpse of the creatures face and as he did a twig underneath his foot gave way with a classic crack that echoed over the lake.
Jae Shin froze like a deer and the creature in the lake, startled by the sound, turned around in the direction of the sound, giving Jae Shin a full frontal view of the naked intruder as well as the chock of a lifetime as he found himself unbelieving staring into the charcoal black eyes of none other than his best friend of ten years, Gu Yong Ha.
“Hic! Hic! Hic!”
At the recognition of Yong Ha, Jae Shin couldn’t stop the torrent of hiccups and as he tried to smother them with his hand he let the image of the naked Yong Ha burn into his retina. Never had he seen anything so desirable.
Yong Ha was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. Supple yet lithe as a willow. Slender but strong as bamboo. Jae Shin's hands twitched with the desire to touch.
Small water drops had collected on his skin and face and his luscious lips were slightly parted. Jae Shin was breathing irregularly and stopped breathing completely as Yong Ha's tongue darted out to lick a water drop from his lips.
Yong Ha made no sign that he had seen Jae Shin as he was hidden in the shadows but started to move out of the water towards the bundle.
Jae Shin could not make his eyes look away. As Yong Ha moved closer to the beach he was revealing more and more of his lovely body and Jae Shin found himself swallowing hard at the sensation that his mouth had gone all dry. But still he could not make himself look away.
“Magnificent...” The sound of his own voice brought Jae Shin back to the real world. Had he really spoken out loud?
Suddenly he felt ashamed.
Was Jae Shin, the fear of the campus, really standing in a forest ogling his naked best friend as he took a bath?
He started inching away backwards, careful not to make a sound only to turn and run for several minutes to get as far away as possible from the scene. He didn't stop until he could hardly breath anymore.
What the hell am I doing?
He thought, as he was wiping his sweaty hands on his sides trying to stable his breathing, but replaying the scene in his mind only made his heart beat like crazy again.
He had never felt so alive as in this moment...
What am I doing?
“Hic!”
…
Yes, what am I doing, he silently replayed in his head and he looked away from Yong Ha's lips to his book, trying to shake of the image of Yong Ha taking a bath.
He felt very hot and bothered and he could not wait for the class to end so he could get some well deserved physical practice to chase away his demons, or demon, in this case.
Just as he thought that ,Yong Ha looked over to him and flashed him a smile and a wink, making Jae Shin immediately look away, feeling even more miserable. I must have serious problems, he thought.
Finally class ended and Jae Shin breathed out. Now for some fun, he felt lighter already at the thought of drawing his bow.
Finally, Yong Ha thought. He had been going out of his mind. He had been so bored that he could not stop himself from writing poetry, an extracurricular activity that few people knew he was doing – including Jae Shin.
He never showed them to other people since he felt that all his poems were so personal that if anyone read them he would have been discovered long ago as the fraud he was. While some of them were clever remarks of the current political positions most of them were an outlet for his forbidden love for a man. His love for Jae Shin.
The poem he had written this time was about watching Jae Shin holding a bow. He was particularly pleased about how it had come out but as always when Jae Shin was close he felt that his emotions were at their peak.
He started folding up the paper with his poem but he didn't see Jae Shin sneak up behind and before he knew it Jae Shin had snatched it from his hands and was reading it out loud.
“Watching his powerful stance
seeing him draw the bow
Oh, how I wish his arrow
would strike my heart
that is as tightly wound as his string”
Jae Shin had just wanted to see what Yong Ha had written during the lesson with such concentration, but as he on joke had started reading with a hint if teasing he finished the poem with a sober, clear voice. The poem was outstanding. Sensitive and profound it struck him to the core and he felt a swelling in his heart. He was just about to compliment Yong Ha when the poem was ripped out of his hands so harshly that pieces of paper flew all over.
He threw his glance at Yong Ha and recoiled at the anguish he saw. His friends eyes had gone even darker than before and as he was crumpling up the paper he only said
“YOU cannot read that...”
Jae Shin was dumbfounded. The poem was brilliant, why couldn't he read it? But at the sight of his friends face he let the subject go as he could see that there was no discussing this. He knew already how stubborn his friend could be so he only replied
“Shame, its a wonderful poem...”
Yong Ha , that had gone ice cold of fear when the poem was snatched from his hands, was embarrassed out of his mind. Jae Shin had managed to read his secret poem and he felt as if he had just handed his heart over for all to see.
But he secretly noted that Jae Shin had loved it. Thank Heavens that his friend was just to blockheaded to understand who the poem was describing or Yong Ha would probably lie flat on the ground from another fist in his face, he coldly thought while crumpling up the paper to a ball securing it in his pocket. Never again can this happen. He would be more careful in the future.
Then carefully rearranging his face into a covering smile, he exclaimed
“Lets go shoot some arrows!” Yong Ha insisted, maybe Jae Shin would forget the poem if he changed the subject.
“Yes!” There was no masking the joy in Jae Shin's eyes and this made Yong Ha smile with fondness. His beloved was really too adorable. He was so easy to please, just put a bow and arrow in his hand and he turned all puppy on you. So he casually threw his arm over Jae Shin's shoulder happily discussing the new changes that had recently been made to the shooting ground, while they sauntered on.
Anyone who saw them on the Campus would never in their most sublime imagination have imagined the raging storm of emotions that the combination of these two people made.
As they say, under the surface of the calmest sea rages a storm...
…
Part Two
“Oh you could mean everything to me”
Takes part some time after Yon Hee is discovered taking a bath by Jae Shin
And so they would probably have continued forever if it had not been for the arrival of Kim Yoon Shik.
Kim. Yoon. Shik. The daring girl in disguise that Yong Ha had seen through the very first time they met in the bookshop. After all he was THE Gu Yong Ha.
Suddenly the carefully weighted scales of Yong Ha's unmoving relationship with Jae Shin were tipping over as he fearfully watched as his, HIS, Jae Shin slowly but irreproachable was falling in love.
Putting armour around his heart, knowing that one day this would happen, it was still too cruel seeing it happen right in front of him. Watching how this small girl was becoming the entire world for Jae Shin was hurting Yong Ha so much that sometimes he had problems keeping up his facade.
Watching Jae Shin's unguarded smile and glittering eyes was making Yong Ha crumble in the edges.
He hated her and yet he couldn’t hate her. It was no ones fault what the heart chose and Kim Yoon Shik was worthy of Jae Shin, Yong Ha admitted. He could even take joy in the fact that Jae Shin was starting to show some semblance of life by his interaction with Kim Yoon Shik. Yet deep inside, his heart was withering at the fact that Yong Ha had never been able to do that for Jae Shin. After all was he not more important than that? That this small girl had taken his place so easily...
Yet there was nothing he could do. Nothing he could say. All he could do was support Jae Shin with all his might and pray that he would not claw his way out of his skin in pain in front of Jae Shin.
...
Yong Ha breathed out preparing for the hellish torment that was before him.
Jae Shin was going to sleep in Yong Ha's room again tonight.. Ever since Jae Shin had found out that Kim Yoon Shik was a girl he had had serious problems sleeping in the same room as her. So he had made a habit of sleeping anywhere he could find until Yong Ha had had enough and decided that if Jae Shin was going to be so stubborn he could be equally stubborn and declared that he had room for a crazy horse in his fabulously furnished room.
He shouldn’t have done that.
It was true that Jae Shin still did not sleep in the room every night but on the nights that he did Yong Ha could not.
How could he possibly sleep when the object of his unrecognised desire was just an arms length away sleeping perfectly seductively.
Yong Ha was going insane.
Jae Shin was a careless sleeper, untying his clothes, throwing his limbs around and sighing in his dreams.
It was as if he on purpose did all he could to make Yong Ha unable to sleep for a second, waking up as soon as Jae Shin stirred.
Yong Ha was acutely aware of the man lying next to him. Almost every night he had been lying awake watching Jae Shin sleep, trying with every ounce in his body not to reach out and touch his supple caramel skin.
Jae Shin sleeping was the most wonderful thing Yong Ha had ever seen. Completely relaxed, his untied clothes revealing his flat abdomen and beautifully sculpted shoulders, his black wavy hair flowing over the pillow and his voluptuous lips slightly parted letting through a sigh every now and then.
He couldn't drink in the sight enough, and therefore he would lie awake all night not being able to tear his eyes of the gorgeous man before him. It was slowly breaking him down as he was dying to touch Jae Shin, but he didn't dare.
The boldest move Yong Ha had ever dared to do was to slowly extend his hand so that it rested just a few millimetres above the skin on the abdomen, pretending to caress it, watching how it sometimes caused small goosebumps to form at the slight cooling sensation of his cold hand to Jae Shin's warm skin.
It was driving him mad with desire.
The worst nights he had to go out of the room to pour a bucket of cold water over his head to calm down. Other times he would just sit on the porch looking at the moon until his eyes closed by sheer fatigue.
But was worst was not that he couldn't sleep, it was that he didn't dare to. He was terrified that he would do something to give him away in his sleep.
One time he had woken up, half dressed, with his arm draped on top of Jae Shin's similarly half naked chest. Another time he had found himself having lodged his leg on top one of Jae Shin's and as he had slowly opened his eyes and realised the position he was in he had inched away on sheer panic before Jae Shin could wake. Yet another time Jae Shin had teased him about what he could have dreamt about repeatedly calling Jae Shin's name in his
Many times he found himself curled up to the back of Jae Shin and sometimes even grasping his waist.
He couldn't even count the times anymore, and he was so grateful that Jae Shin usually slept very soundly and woke later than Yong Ha or he would have had answered to Jae Shin's fists, he was sure.
But the worst time so far was actually not initiated by himself but by Jae Shin. That time he had been half sleeping when a very drunk Jae Shin had returned to the dark room and stumbling in he had thrown himself on the bed landing right on top of Yong Ha, instantly falling asleep.
That time Yong Ha had shamelessly enjoyed the feeling of Jae Shin's weight , the heat of his flushed skin and his hot breath on his neck for several minutes until he started feeling ashamed for taking advantage of his sleeping friend like this.
He had managed to push Jae Shin to the side and pull the cover over him. But he spent the rest of the night lodged in the corner fully awake with a burning sensation in his heart.
Tonight was worse than even that time. Yong Ha was exhausted. The nights were particularly hot leaving Jae Shin more undressed than ever refusing to put his cover on and as he slept small beads of humidity was forming on his face, chest and abdomen.
So Yong Ha didn't sleep but spent the entire nights tormented by the vision of Jae Shin's flushed skin and the ferocious desire to lick the beads of humidity from his skin.
Coming back to the dorm from his usual drinking time with Cho Sun, Yong Ha was so tired he almost fell over. He hadn't wanted to go but he hadn't seen her for several weeks and people were starting to notice. No matter how annoying it was he had to uphold his alibi as a frequent guest at the Moran-gak. It was crucial to be of any use to Jae Shin.
So he had dragged himself there thinking that maybe it would make him think less of Jae Shin, when in fact it had made him think more about him since being surrounded by the heavily decorated, fluttering gisaeng made him long for the simple strength and honesty of Jae Shin. Their white skin, bright colours and elegant moves looked so constructed in comparison to Jae Shin's monochrome presence and strong, yet perfectly controlled fluid movements. Yong Ha sighed.
He hadn't drunk much but in combination with his need for sleep and heated thoughts about his room-mate left him with a feeling of lightheadedness that made him stumble in to the room.
Just as he had managed to lie down without breaking anything Jae Shin stumbled into the room, equally drunk. He grunted a greeting and started to promptly remove most of his clothing.
Yong Ha's mind went blank.
As Jae Shin was peeling of layer after layer of clothing all he could do was watch as more and more of that silky richness of caramel skin was being revealed. The curve of Jae Shin's back as he bent over to remove his socks took Yong Ha's breath away, he couldn't even form a word of protest, but as Jae Shin started fumbling with his the ribbon that held his pants up Yong Ha managed to press out a squeak which stopped Jae Shin and, looking slightly embarrassed as if he had forgotten Yong Ha's presence, he left them on while throwing himself on the mattress instantly falling asleep.
Yong Ha was finally breathing again and throwing a second glance at the heavily sleeping brute on the floor he decided that maybe he would dare to sleep less clothed this night. It was so hot and humid and Jae Shin looked so refreshed without all the heavy clothes. Usually Yong Ha never dared to remove even his top, no matter how warm it was, but he could not take it any longer. Watching Jae Shin's unaware striptease had left him soaked in panicky sweat.
As the decision was taken he stripped down to his pants and immediately felt much better with a cool breeze on his skin. But it wasn't enough to cool him completely and in a flash of a second he decided to do something he had never done in the presence of Jae Shin or anyone else for that matter. Being convinced that Jae Shin would sleep like a log and would most likely oversleep tomorrow morning he dared to do it.
He untied his hair.
His hair was a source of particular pride. While Jae Shin's hair was sun bleached, wavy and ruggedly cut to the shoulder, Yong Ha's was tar black, smooth as silk and reaching all the way below the waist. It was a gift from his mother. The only thing he could remember her by. In fact Yong Ha looked so much like his mother that if she would still have been alive they could have been twins – in spite of the fact that he was a man. But Yong Ha didn't know this, all he knew was that it was his secret pleasure to undo his hair. He loved the feeling of it flowing down his back, it felt like someone caressing him, it felt like freedom.
He lied down on the side, facing Jae Shin, letting his gaze linger on the sleeping figure. He was so beautiful, lying there all relaxed, breathing slowly. A small sliver of moonlight caressed Jae Shin's moist lips, putting Yong Ha's focus there.
It was enthralling.
An errant strand of hair was tickling the edge of Jae Shin's lips and before he could stop himself he reached out his hand and brushed them away, touching the place where the moon had touched.
The boldness of the move surprised even Yong Ha attributing it to the alcohol, but once done he didn't regret it, at all.
The touch of Yong Ha's fingers on his lips made Jae Shin sigh out in his sleep and move slightly, leaning his face towards Yong Ha, who quickly removed his fingers and looking at them recalled the soft, humid touch of the lips on them. They were humming with joy and wanting to know this feeling again he once again put his fingers on Jae Shin's lips.
This time Jae Shin didn't move but suddenly his tongue darted out, accidentally licking Yong Ha's finger ever so slightly. Yong Ha's finger tingled sending a shiver down his spine, and struggling in his mind between leaving his finger there but realising that he couldn't do this he started to remove his hand when Jae Shin suddenly shifted back in his sleep catching Yong Ha's wrist with his hand.
Yong Ha's heart stopped beating for a second.
Had Jae Shin woken up?
Had he been awake the whole time?
But as Jae Shin showed no sign of waking he breathed out in relief only to realise that he was caught in Jae Shin's powerful grip.
What a dilemma, what should he do? Even if he tried it would be impossible to pry himself out of the iron grip of Jae Shin, he knew this from earlier. Should he wake him? No, he did not have the heart or the courage, for how would he explain this?
So he just lied there with his hand resting over Jae Shin's heart. Feeling the strong thumps in his palm he was slowly relaxing and as Jae Shin's was making no move to release him soon he started drifting of to sleep.
Suddenly Jae Shin shifted again, throwing his arm, that was still holding Yong Ha, over to the other side. This made the half asleep Yong Ha wake with a start when he found himself being tossed over Jae Shin chest, his body half on top and his mouth landing only millimetres away from Jae Shin's parted lips. The sheer surprise of it made Yong Ha recoil but he was still caught by Jae Shin's grip and he could not move an inch.
Giving in, he was unable to do anything except gaze at Jae Shin's sleeping face enjoying the warmth that his body was giving off.
His naked chest was rubbing against Jae Shin's making Yong Ha goose bump in satisfaction.
The situation was already so precarious that he could no longer stop himself. He had to find out if his lips would tingle as well as his fingers if they were to touch Jae Shin's lips.
Slowly, slowly he leaned in and softly, softly he grazed his lips with Jae Shin's.
The effect was devastating. It was the sweetest torment Yong Ha had ever felt. It send shivers down his spine and his heart clenched, bringing tears to his eyes.
What am I doing?
He thought, internally cringing in pain.
I must be seriously disturbed to take advantage of my friend like this and tormenting myself with impossible dreams.
Just give it up Yong Ha, just give it up...
and he lifted his head removing his lips from Jae Shin's.
As Yong Ha had leaned in for the kiss a wisp of his freely flowing hair grazed Jae Shin's abdomen, ever so lightly, causing Jae Shin to stir and relaxing his grip slightly but still not letting go, he gave Yong Ha a little bit of movement. Yong Ha took this chance to lay down next to him, trying not to touch him but failing as his hair was still draped across Jae Shin's abdomen. He loathed himself for his conduct promising to never, ever do something like this again. He felt pathetic.
He was not Kim Yoon Shik. He was not a woman. He was not meant for this man. The words echoed in his hollow heart and as he fell asleep letting his tears give way, Jae Shin stirred.
Jae Shin's was slowly coming too, he was dreaming the most wonderful dream. Someone was holding him and kissing him. He sighed contently and let his mind linger on the dream when he became aware of the weight on his chest and the warmth at his side. His eyes flew open and he raised his head looking down to the naked figure lying sprawled halfway on top of him.
I must still be asleep, he half consciously thought since the situation was just too absurd to be true. He fell back and closed his eyes, maybe I did drink a little bit too much this time – I have to be more careful he thought. Pleased with his assessment that this had to be another dream he reached down to scratch the tingling on his abdomen when he realised that his hand was already holding something.
His eyes flew open once again and throwing a glance at his clenched hand he realised that he was holding someones wrist in a dead grip and that this someones arm was lying right across his chest because of it. He opened his hand as if burnt and reached down to scratch his itching abdomen but when he reached the place of the tingling all he found was a handful of silken hair.
What the? Had he been so drunk that he couldn't remember what he had been doing. Why was there a person lying sprawled across him?
Who was this?
Where was he?
Was he still wearing his pants?
After seconds of sheer panic, reassuring himself that he was indeed proper, he took some moments to assign a location to his predicament.
Looking up the ceiling he realised that this was Yong Ha's dorm room, but he could not for the world understand who this person lying next to him was. He slowly inched up carefully removing the arm, making an effort not to wake the person sleeping so soundly.
The person stirred and having the arm finally released he rolled over to lie on his back making both his hair gently flow of Jae Shin's chest with a touch as light as feathers and revealing his face in the moonlight. Jae Shin could only watch with eyes growing larger by the minute as he found himself dumbfounded staring at the face of his best friend and room-mate.
“Hic!”
Even as he understood that this creature, lying half nude with his black hair draped across the chest, had to be Yong Ha he could not fathom the situation.
Why had Yong Ha been lying on top of him?
Why was his top of?
Why was his hair like that?
And had he always been this gorgeous?
Jae Shin swallowed.
Yes, he knew full well that Yong Ha had always been this gorgeous recalling that time at the lake when he had unexpectedly stumbled across Yong Ha bathing. The memory came rushing back like a storm wind and he couldn't for the life of him stop staring.
Perfectly remembering the wet, naked Yong Ha in the lake his eyes wandered from the long eyelashes, the high cheekbones and the straight nose to the parted lips and the jaw that could have been sculpted in stone. His eyes trailed the neck down to the slender shoulders, following the chest down to his navel. Suddenly Yong Ha made a move with his hand putting it on top of his stomach and then moving it downwards until it rested on his hipbone. Jae Shin's breathed in, knowing painfully well what Yong Ha would look like without the concealing pants.
“Hic! Hic!”
Jae Shin once again swallowed hard trying to stop his hiccups.
He recalled that everyone always called Yong Ha handsome and that many women, and men, found him very attractive.
Yong Ha wasn't handsome. He wasn't attractive.
He was breathtaking.
How could anyone be so beautiful?
As much as he wanted to keep looking he had to solve the mystery of why Yong Ha had he been lodged on top of Jae Shin? He thought back to how he had awoken and recalled that he had been clutching Yong Ha's wrist hard, very hard.
Ah, he understood...
He knew that in strength Yong Ha was no match for him.
Yes, that was indeed the reason.
He must have grabbed Yong Ha and refused to let him go and poor Yong Ha not knowing what to do had just laid down to sleep hoping Jae Shin would let him go sooner or later.
He must have been drunker than he thought.
He reprimanded himself and promised to do better in the future. Thoroughly pleased with himself to have solved the mystery of a naked Yong Ha on top of him and having solved it before Yong Ha awoke, he dared to cast another glance at the unknowing Yong Ha.
His hair!
He has undone his hair...
Jae Shin had never seen Yong Ha with his hair down before, except for the time he had found him naked in the lake. He held out his hand to touch it recalling the silky feeling and the smooth touch of it watering down his abdomen. Once again his breathing got erratic. His hand stretched out and and believing that Yong Ha was deeply asleep he let his eyes soak up the sight without shame.
Yes, Jae Shin could shamelessly say that Yong Ha was the most beautiful and sensual thing he had ever laid eyes on.
As his eyes stayed on Yong Ha he kept repeating the bathing scene in his head. It was making him burn with a feeling that he didn't dare to name.
Yong Ha had been ethereal bathing in the forest lake but here in the closeness of the dorm room at arms length he was so alluring and enticing that Jae Shin found himself wanting to touch that skin and inadvertently he licked his lips.
This had to be desire, he distantly thought.
I desire Yong Ha.
In the darkness of the room he could feel his cheeks flush at the thought of him desiring his best friend, a man. But as none was there to see he could for once just enjoy the freedom of desiring something out of his reach and not having to hide it.
Yes, he thought, I do desire Yong Ha. How could I not...
His gaze returned to the sleeping face of his best friend and lingered on his parted lips and again he licked his lips. The dream kiss had awoken his desire and he was disturbed by his own feelings.
At once it struck him that this was nothing like how he felt for Kim Yoon Shik. The soft tenderness he wanted to wrap her up into was nothing like the brutal scorching feeling that Yong Ha produced in him.
Not even once had Jae Shin wanted to throw Kim Yon Shik against a wall and kiss her senseless. Never had he felt that he wanted to undress her and lick her everywhere until her sweet voice would break into moans.
Never had he felt jealous of the people around her touching her or throwing lecherous glances at her.
Never had he wanted those teasing eyes to look at him and only him.
Just imagining Yong Ha's bottomless eyes lingering on him was making his breath erratic.
No, not even once. For she was like his brother. She WAS his brother, or rather his sister. He understood now.
The love and tenderness he had for her finally made sense. Then he also understood why he could not be jealous of Sun Joon. He didn’t have to, for Jae Shin did not want her like that.
Jae Shin didn’t want to hold her like a lover but as a brother. He wanted to have fun with her and watch over her and be proud of her. Just like an older brother.
He didn’t want to kiss her furiously, he wanted to protect her.
Throwing a glance at Yong Ha's sleeping face he realised that the one he desperately wanted to kiss was Yong Ha.
The one he wanted to moan his name was Yong Ha. The one that he wanted to look at only him was Yong Ha.
Yes, he wanted to kiss him. As they had done once before.
Suddenly a flare of anger overcame Jae Shin as he remembered Yong Ha stealing his first kiss and making a bet out of it.
I should have punished him for it...Yes...I should punish him...he thought...and the idea of punishing Yong Ha in the same way as he had done to Jae Shin before sent a surge of desire through his body once more.
In fact, he was still slightly drunk and was only trying to justify his dire need of Yong ha, but Jae Shin's strength lay in his fists and his justice not his reasoning. And he could be very stubborn once he had made up his mind.
So without any further due he leaned over to Yong Ha's face and grabbing a handful of hair that was just begging to be touched he put his lips on the lips of the person creating such a conflict of emotions in himself.
They were just as plump and soft as he remembered. Jae Shin closed his eyes and leaned in deeper putting more pressure on the kiss. Sparks were going of in his head daring him to be bolder so, remembering how Yong Ha had kissed him that time, he let his tongue dart out to gently touch the corner of Yong Ha's mouth.
As Yong Ha's secret kiss had been feather light and bittersweet, the kiss from Jae Shin contained all the pent up desire that he had collected for a long time.
Jae Shin's body was so close that their skin touched and yet he wanted more. His hand, letting go of the hair, went up to Yong Ha's exposed stomach and starting to stroke it upwards he could feel the firm and smooth skin and the muscles underneath. It made Jae Shin burn to touch even more.
Would he feel like this everywhere?
Ah, more...
The caress made Yong Ha move, sigh out and slowly start to respond to the kiss.
All reason left Jae Shin as he felt Yong Ha respond and he moaned out at the delicious pleasure.
Yong Ha's hand went out to drape around the neck of Jae Shin pressing him closer than ever. This left more of his mouth for Jae Shin to explore and while his hand reached Yong Ha's chest, Yong Ha breathed out his name into his mouth
“...Ja..e... Shi...n....”
Jae Shin had finally gone insane. He couldn't get enough of Yong Ha and in his fervour to touch more of Yong Ha's intoxicating skin he caressed down to Yong Ha's hip to reach the ribbon to untie his pants.
As the knot struggled he surfaced for air and as Yong Ha's mouth was liberated he let out a barely audible sigh
“...Ja..e... Shi...n......I...love...you...”
It was if someone had poured a bucket of shaved ice over Jae Shin's head.
Reason returned. And with it came the realisation of what he was doing still holding the unruly cord for Yong Ha's pants.
Echoing the thoughts he had had in the forest after worshipping the naked Yong Ha he dropped the cord like if it was burning his hand and thought
What the hell am I doing?
And once again was his heart beating like crazy against his ribs.
What am I doing? I have serious, serious issues....
Jae Shin threw a glance at the still sleeping Yong Ha and then he rose and practically flew out of the their room lodging himself on the far edge of the porch.
His shaking hand came up to touch his burning lips and it made him remember the touch of Yong Ha's cool skin as it had traced his stomach to the chest.
Breathing in raggedly he put the hand over his furiously beating heart. The he began to laugh
Moon Jae Shin, Goel Oh, You are crazy....absolutely, out of your mind, crazy...
he thought, still laughing and for the first time in his life he thought that his nickname “Crazy Horse” was so befitting him that he could not stop laughing.
Indeed, if any of the other students, woken up by his laughter, would have dared to peak out their doors, they would also have believed him, for sitting half naked in the moonlight with a shaking hand over his heart and laughing loudly to himself, Moon Jae Shin was indeed living up to his nickname.
Back in their room Yong Ha was dreaming. Having been so exhausted that not even Jae Shin's assault of his lips and body could have pulled him out of his deep sleep, he had stayed in his dreams.
And what a dream...Days later Yong Ha would still sport a absolutely delicious smile at the mere remembrance of the dream he had had that night.
Another thing that brought a smile to his lips, this time mischievous, was the recollection of waking up that morning, his hair out, his pants undone and no trace of Jae Shin had made him panic, thinking he had done something in his sleep again. So twisting up his hair, tying his clothes and getting ready to run out to search for the missing victim he had flung up the doors hard only to hit Jae Shin on the head, who after his fit of hysterical laughter he had spent the rest of the night sleeping on the porch, not daring to put a foot inside the room, lest he would throw himself on Yong Ha again.
The relief of finding Jae Shin safe and sound had made him blurt out
“but...Jae Shin...what on Earth are you doing here? Did...did..I do..did something happen?” When, to his astonishment, Jae Shin went all beet red and avoiding Yong Ha's eyes he burst out
“NO! ABSOLUTELY NOT! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING HAPPENED LAST NIGHT!” then he stomped away, still half nude with his hair in all directions.
Even though Yong Ha thought that there was something not really right he was now ensured that at least HE hadn't done anything or Jae Shin would have retributed with his fist. So he breathed out and secretly relished the thought of Jae Shin blushing...he was really too adorable, he thought with a smile.
The rest of the day all other student went in big circles around Jae Shin, since he was in a most terrible mood.
Jae Shin were very pleased with this since the very thought of him plastered all over Yong Ha made him both hot and bothered and slightly ashamed, and he decided to never, ever, ever speak about this matter. But it didn’t stop him from thinking about it.
Or rather he couldn’t stop thinking about it. The feeling of Yong Ha's pliant body underneath his hands. It had been so different from the usual Yong Ha as he casually fondled Jae Shin.
He secretly relished this physical part of Yong Ha when he, every now and then, threw his hands around Jae Shin's neck or when he grabbed his arm for some obscure reason. He liked how he got absorbed in the forever night of Yong Ha eyes. He loved his laugh and his smile, he loved... and the realisation hit him. What had Yong Ha said out loud when Jae Shin was holding him and kissing him? What had he said to Jae Shin when he thought he was just part of his dream?
“..You, Jae Shin, I love you.. “ Did he just say he loves me? The impact made him stand up and he felt as if someone had just rocked his world!
Yong Ha said he loves me!
He put his hand over his furiously beating heart. It was beating so hard he could barely breath.
Yong Ha loves me!
The thought made him feel triumph of a sorts and at the same time it was so absurd.
Could it really be the truth?
He could have dreamt? But, but in that case it was still valid. He absolutely said my name...
But..
Jae Shin was confused. Yong Ha had never said anything. Or had he?
Was Yong Ha playing again? Like that other time when he had kissed him. How could he? He was sleeping!
Confused, Jae Shin decided to stop thinking about it for now. They had other more important things to think about.
…
Part Three
“But you got what it takes to set me free”
Takes part after series end but omits the epilogue
It was a happy ending. Should it not be?
After all that had happened they were still alive and well and could continue life as they wanted to.
They were still together. Almost...
As Yong Ha watched Lee Sun Joon walk away to meet up with Kim Yoon Shik he couldn’t understand why Jae Shin was just standing there letting it happen. Why wasn’t he running after him, beating him to a puddle and taking Yoon Hee as he should? After all was not Jae Shin deeply in love with Yoon Hee?
Yong Ha didn’t really understand. This time his brilliant intellect failed him. He felt as if something had passed and he had not had the wit to see it.
“Why aren’t you going after them?” He had posed to Jae Shin as he walked up to him.
“That is no place for us to be.” Jae Shin had calmly replied, not showing any deep emotions. The he had fired off a smile that could have killed and grabbing Yong Ha in the neck had told him that he wanted to have some of his special wine. Right now.
Yong Ha was prattling on about the latest gossip as he fervently searched his room for the best hidden wines and Jae Shin was just letting him. To his own surprise Yong Ha's fervent talk never bored him, rather it amused him how many things Yong Ha always knew and how sharp and accurate his remarks were. He had always taken note of how Yong Ha mentioned small details that could be of use for him the times he ventured out as the “Red Messenger”, silently thanking Yong Ha for the seemingly innocent information. Only this time he could just enjoy the homely feeling it gave while following Yong Ha's movements in the small room. He would never again have to venture out as the “Red Messenger” and risk his life.
Thinking back to all that had happened he realised that, strangely enough, he felt content at letting Yoon Hee go. It was not very heavy at all.
All was as it should. Even Yong Ha was back to his usual self, somewhat. There was still something off but Jae Shin couldn’t pin it down so he let it go in anticipation of celebrating with some of Yong Ha's specially selected wines.
Yes, he felt very content and suddenly he couldn’t stop from laughing.
Yong Ha gaped. He had not seen Jae Shin laugh like that in many years. It took his breath away.
Yes, just like that shall I remember what she did for him that I could not do.
Quickly rearranging his face and with eyes perfectly black, as smooth as onyx, he took his seat opposite Jae Shin's and drowned his emotions in wine. Just because Jae Shin had not chosen Yoon Shik didn’t mean he would choose Yong Ha, and it hurt more than ever.
Throwing caution out the window he poured the wine into his waiting mouth and before Jae Shin could stop him Yong Ha had gotten really drunk and passed out on the mattress in a very unsophisticated manner.
Jae Shin sighed. What had come into Yong Ha tonight? Jae Shin had never seen Yong Ha even remotely drunk but suddenly there was no stopping him. He looked over at the sleeping figure on the bed and his eyes lingered on the supple lips of Yong Ha while his mind lept back to that fateful day when Yong Ha had kissed him and suddenly he remembered it like it was seconds away. The soft touch of Yong Ha's lips against his and the burning sensation in his heart.
“Hic!”
Jae Shin's hand trembled as he slowly reached out to make Yong Ha more comfortable by untying his outer vest. Slowly removing it was a sensual torment Jae Shin could have been without tonight. As he continued with the socks and the inner vest Yong Ha was making no movements at all leaving Jae Shin's hand to willingly touch more than he should have needed, leaving him breathless.
Hastily standing up in need of fresh air he knocked into Yong Ha's drawer that was standing on the side and in an heroic attempt to save the drawer before it fell over the both of them and at the same time trying not make any sounds whatsoever he managed to catch it with one hand while he shielded Yong Ha with the other. Thus leaving him in a very precarious situation with Yong Ha's face only millimetres away from his and the heavy drawer locking him down.
Jae Shin realised that the only way for him to save the situation would be to either fall on top of Yong Ha or let the drawer fall on top of him. In an internal struggle he finally chose the latter since the very idea of lying on top of Yong Ha caused him more mental chaos than the idea of getting a drawer in the head. Making the choice he braced for the impact as he slowly let the drawer go hitting him full force in the back. It wasn’t as heavy as he first had thought and as he started to think that he had very cleverly saved the situation he realised that the top drawer had been knocked out of the bureau and its papery content was chaotically flowing around in the room.
Jae Shin cursed. Standing up and putting back the drawer where it had initially been he started collecting all the papers that had been spread when he recognised one of them.
It was the poem that Yong Ha had written during class and so violently snatched from him some time ago.
Deliberately slow he opened the paper fully and smoothed it out on the table. Yong Ha's elegant writing brought, for some obscure reason, tears to his eyes as he read the poem again, and reaching the end
Ҭ... my heart
that is as tightly wound as his string”
He reread the poem once more and again he felt the stirring in his heart that the poem had inflicted upon him the first time.
Beautiful. How could Yong Ha be as shallow as that and still write poems like this?
He looked up with a start at the multitude of scattered papers. Are all of these poems?
He snatched the closest one and read it in surprise
“¨... shall I paint a bulls eye over my heart...”
another one
”...maybe then his arrow would strike the truth..”
and yet another
”...if your eyes would just once linger on me...”
”...It could not hurt more than it already does...”
all the papers scattered were poems depicting painful unrequited love and most of them had an archer as main opponent. Jae Shin was dumbfounded. How many poems had Yong Ha written?
He noticed that most of them had been signed with a date and he gasped as he realised that some of them were older than three years. Three years?
How long had Yong Ha written poems? How long had he had an unrequited love?
Who was it?
Jae Shin was burning with questions. Who was this archer that Yong Ha was in love with?
His mind frantically recalling every good archer in School his obvious choice would be Ha In Soo?
No, it could not be true...not him...
The very idea of Yong Ha being in love with the student president was too much for Jae Shin and he realised that he was crushing the paper in his hand.
Angrily he snatched another poem and started reading, there had to be more clues somewhere.
”...no one can hold him for he is as free as the wind...”
”...when you leave, take me with you...”
”...as proud and wild as my heart would like to be...”
”...every night I watch you as you go, fearful for your return...”
”...can I not heal your broken heart...”
”...do not follow your brother, he would not have wished it...”
”...would you not mark me with your red notes, as well as the corrupt people you target...”
”...you shall never belong to me, be free my wild horse...”
Wild Horse? Red notes? Brother? The archer!
This could not be Ha In Soo, he realised.
But it was surely ringing bells of recognition in his head.
Am I the archer?
Wha...?
If I am the archer, does that mean that Yong Ha loves me?
It all made sense...Finally it all made sense.
It fit perfectly.
He now understood why Yong Ha had so desperately fought to get it back. The poems told all there was to be said. Jae Shin was the archer that had made Yong Ha's heart so wound up, and he had been terrified that Jae Shin would notice.
Yes, he was certain now.
Yong Ha did love him and he always had.
He sucked in his breath as he contemplated all the years they had been together without Jae Shin ever realising the deep love Yong Ha had harboured in his heart.
Now that he thought about it it should have been so obvious. It had been there in every little smile and touch the entire time.
He was such a fool!
Yong Ha loved him!
And what had Jae Shin done?
He had struck him bloody for kissing him.
His hand hurt at the very thought. He had actually struck Yong Ha and drawn blood.
So that was what he had meant with his questions that time!
He had tried to tell me he loves me!
It knocked the breath out of him. He knew deep inside that he had never really believed Yong Ha's lie about the bet. The Yong Ha he knew would never have done such a thing. Clenching the poem in his hands Jae Shin's mind went into overdrive at the implications of his train of thought.
If Yong Ha had lied to him that meant that he had believed that Jae Shin had been utterly disgusted by the kiss, which he hadn’t been. He had lied to keep their friendship.
Yes, it was clear. Yong Ha loves me deeply, but do I love him?
The thought felt foreign. Yong Ha was a man. Jae Shin was a man. Love was for women, wasn't it?
What was love?
Was it a need?
If it was need to be with someone, to talk to them, to laugh with them, then yes, this was love. But wasn’t love also desire? The desire to hold, to touch and to kiss? Did he really want to touch and kiss Yong Ha?
We did kiss...and blushing he remembered their first kiss, but he soberly thought that it didn’t count since Yong Ha had been the one initiating it, even though a small voice in the back of his head was recounting his own vivid reaction to it.
Do I really desire Yong Ha?
Recalling the stolen kiss in the dark and the appearance in the lake was proof enough for Jae Shin.
He remembered the need for him, the desire, all his expressions, his laugh, his black eyes and his low vibrating voice, his sigh. And he realised that he knew the answer. It was all so clear. He had know all along.
Yes, I love him, with every fibre in my body. I love him too.
He sat down in a sudden flop on Yong Ha's mattress as his legs could no longer sustain him. His fingers felt numb holding the poems that had told Yong Ha's story to him.
I am in love, Jae Shin thought finally realising what being in love meant. This is love.
Without knowing it I have been in love with Yong Ha for years.
Turning towards the sleeping Yong Ha he wanted to scream on the top of his lungs. He wanted to kiss him and hug him and....
An infinite sense of love and tenderness came over Jae Shin as he let his eyes soak in the pale face of Yong Ha in his sleep.
How beautiful my Yong Ha is and how deeply I must have hurt him during all these years.
He gathered all the scattered poems and put them back in the drawer. He didn’t want Yong Ha to know yet that Jae Shin knew. Jae Shin wanted to let Yong Ha know first how he felt. Yes, smiling he made plans in his head for the revealing of Jae Shin's emotions. How surprised Yong Ha will be, he thought fondly.
Suddenly an extreme tiredness came over Jae Shin as years of misunderstandings and chaotic emotions came over him. He desperately needed rest too. Where better than here, next to his beloved.
Grabbing the cover and blowing out the candles he laid down on the mattress next to Yong Ha's exposed back and carefully covering him he firmly grasped Yong Ha's waist and pulled him in a fierce hug.
I will think of this tomorrow, he contently thought as he breathed in the smell of Yong Ha and let his hands seek the heartbeat. Yes, I will think tomorrow and without further due Jae Shin fell asleep grasping Yong Ha with one hand over his heart.
...
Jae Shin frustratedly threw down the brush he had just been using, staining the paper with ink.
Yong Ha had looked away again.
He was going out of his mind. Yong Ha was definitely avoiding him and he couldn’t understand why. He had thought that they would get even closer after all that had happened but instead Yong Ha felt further away than ever.
The day after their drinking celebration when Jae Shin had realised everything, he had woken up all alone in the room and trying to find Yong Ha he had been informed that Yong Ha had changed dorm affiliation claiming that his room was too small. Then he had changed classes under the guise that he knew them already, leaving them together in only one class per week.
Not to mention that every time Jae Shin came to look for him he fled with a random excuse and worst of all, he refused to meet his eyes. Sometimes Jae Shin could feel him watching but as soon as he turned to confirm the fact, Yong Ha would look away refusing to look back.
Now this had been going on for several weeks already and Jae Shin missed him acutely. It was if someone had removed a part of him he never knew had existed.
All he could think of all day was Yong Ha.
They were in the middle of that one shared class per week that Yong Ha still attended and Jae Shin starved of his sight could not make himself look anywhere else.
He found himself staring at Yong Ha through the entire lesson noting all the small details and expressions he had. He had been specifically focusing on his lips when Yong Ha had suddenly looked up fixing on Jae Shin's eyes. It was so unexpected that it had startled Jae Shin out of his reverie making him slightly embarrassed being caught staring at his lips, but before he had recovered his wits Yong Ha had looked away.
Yong Ha had just looked up to assure himself that Jae Shin was still there, something he frequently did in secret, and found himself drowning in Jae Shin's eyes.
Breathing in in surprise and feeling his heart starting to beat wildly he forced himself to look away.
He knew that if he would look more he would not be able to contain his emotions and they would spill out through his eyes.
Yong Ha was miserable. He felt so weak and cowardly. He was trying to avoid Jae Shin to the extremes. His feelings were so strong that every time he saw Jae Shin he had the desire to throw himself in front of him and confess everything.
Waking up in the morning after their drinking party with Jae Shin's strong arms around his waist had made him acutely aware of the closeness to the man he loved. All Yong Ha had felt in that instance was panic, rushing out, thinking it was all his fault, not remembering anything that had happened and fearing Jae Shin's reaction.
Already before this incident Yong Ha had become more and more aware than ever of his stronger feelings for Jae Shin and he was terrified to be revealed.
He had to watch himself all the time not to blurt out affectionate things, to touch him without valid reasons or to look at him too long. It made him mentally exhausted and only more vulnerable to reveal something.
Thinking that he had finally made the hugest mistake, he had taken measures to never repeat it. And the only solution was to avoid Jae Shin as much as possible until he was able to contain the emotions that went wild inside him. Little did he know that the internal battle of Yong Ha was hurting him so much that it was starting to show.
Jae Shin had noticed the change in Yong Ha and he found himself worrying that there was something seriously wrong.
Had Yong Ha's steps always been so heavy?
Had his shoulders always been so thin and had his eyes always looked so lifeless?
Yong Ha, who had been the centre of attention at any event did not even show up anymore. Instead he shut himself in in his room not letting any visitors in, least of all Jae Shin.
Jae Shin was burning to tell Yong Ha that he loved him. Finally understanding his own feelings he felt as if his entire being radiated love, as if “I love you” was printed in his forehead for all to see. But he also wanted to tell him about all the misunderstandings. He needed desperately to explain it but Yong Ha would leave him no opening at all and also Jae Shin didn’t know how to tell him about his emotions. In the moment of realisation everything had seemed so clear: Yong Ha loved him and he loved Yong Ha but here, in the light of day, he felt embarrassed and shy. How do you tell something like this?
Jae Shin nervously considered the options.
I love you? - Nah, too direct.
You said you loved me? - No, Yong Ha would just deny it.
Can I hold you? - Absolutely NOT!
…
Class ended and Yong Ha was the first to leave, trying his best to not throw a final glance at Jae Shin.
Royally pissed of Jae Shin threw his books down with a huge bang and stomped off in the same direction. Once again Yong Ha had eluded him but this time he would not let go, he had had enough of waiting.
Yong Ha had taken the path through the forest to the little lake. It was the only place he could be completely alone and he spent many hours here silently suffering. He had just reached the edge of the water next to the cliff side when someone grabbed his shoulder and twisted him around.
Jae Shin had called out Yong Ha's name several times but he had kept on going as if he hadn’t heard. It wasn’t until he had almost caught up to Yong Ha that he realised where he had led him.
They were at the lake in the forest where Jae Shin had first felt desire for Yong Ha.
This just made him even more determined to be heard so he caught up to Yong Ha in three huge steps and calling out his name once more he grabbed his shoulder and turned him round.
“Yong Ha!”
The look in Yong Ha's eyes was enough to melt all the anger and frustration he had felt for the last month. Bottomless black they stared incredulously at him taking Jae Shin's breath away and all the words he had planned to throw at Yong Ha got caught in his throat.
Just standing there staring at the hypnotising eyes of Yong Ha holding his shoulder was enough to overpower Jae Shin and, as the man of action he ultimately was, he caught him in a fierce embrace resting his head in the crook of his neck breathing in the scent.
If Jae Shin had ever doubted his love for Yong Ha this simple gesture had removed it completely.
So perfect.
He was made for me, his feverish mind thought.
I should have done this long ago. The last thought made him wrap his arms around Yong Ha ,even harder, crushing him.
Yong Ha had problems breathing. Jae Shin was holding him so hard that he was sure Jae Shin could feel his violently beating heart through the clothes. He couldn’t understand what was happening.
Why was Jae Shin holding him?
Why wasn’t he just scolding him or throwing his fist around?
Wasn’t he mad?
Feeling Jae Shin's face resting in his neck was too much for the mentally exhausted Yong Ha and all his emotions spilled over his heart and into his eyes. So he closed them enjoying the feeling of his beloved holding him, letting tears run down his cheeks.
It doesn’t matter anymore, just hold me...
Yong Ha thought and let his trembling hands tentatively come up to lightly touch Jae Shin's back.
That was enough for Jae Shin who released his grip slightly only to shift positions, lifted his head and caught Yong Ha's lips in a passionately clumsy kiss, a kiss containing all the the love he never managed to put into words.
Yong Ha, being completely lost in the embrace, was brutally awakened as Jae Shin's mouth was invading his in the kiss. In his already confused state not knowing Jae Shin's feelings, he could only deduct that Jae Shin was punishing him for the other kiss, no matter the logic's of it.
He started to feebly protest but he was caught in the crushing grip of Jae Shin's arms and lips only leaving him able to gasp for breath.
Jae Shin heard the gasp and surfacing for air he started a trail of heated kisses down his neck. He was on fire and he couldn’t get enough. Completely deaf to his surrounding and absorbed by the man in his arms, he wanted more. More.
“...stop...Jae ..shin..stop it” at first the words of Yong Ha was barely audible but they increased in strength as Jae Shin made no effort to decrease his assault.
”...stop...it.. stop..what are you doing...stop” Trying to bend out of the iron grip of Jae Shin but finding it was meaningless, Yong Ha's pleas was drowned as Jae Shin's lips came crashing down on his once again. The impact send Yong Ha sandwiched between the rock in his back and Jae Shin in front of him with no more place to go.
Jae Shin was burning up, Yong Ha was fuelling his fire. He wanted to feel more, to taste more. It was impossible to stop.
His hand came up to grab the opening of Yong Ha's top and with a fierce tug he exposed his naked chest and wasting no time he lowered his mouth to taste the cool skin.
Even as Yong Ha attempted to make Jae Shin stop his attack he couldn’t stop the shivers of pleasure that Jae Shin was tracing down his exposed chest and neck.. He felt the warm hand of Jae Shin gliding in through the opening leaving burn marks on his skin where it touched.
It felt so good...too good
Please continue...please..don’t stop, Yong Ha's body was resonating.
Don’t stop.
Please stop, reason said.
“Stop...stop..” Yong Ha pleaded, struggling more wildly
“…stop..Jae Shin...stop this” Yong Ha was dying, he was breaking into pieces together with his heart, believing that Jae Shin was punishing him. This was too cruel.
“Jae Shin, stop...I beg you...” His tears, momentarily stopped by the onslaught, started to flow freely again and he stopped his struggling. The hurt was more than he could take and he started sobbing
”Jae Shin...stop...I am dying...you......are killing me....”
Jae Shin caught in his fervour realised that Yong Ha had gone completely still and suddenly he felt something warm and wet hitting his cheek making him realise that Yong Ha was crying while trying to say something.
“..e Shin...you...killing me...Let me go....”
Startled Jae Shin looked up and the tears streaking Yong Ha's face was enough to understand that he had gone about this in the completely wrong fashion. Poor Yong Ha had no idea that Jae Shin was crazy about him and believed that Jae Shin was punishing him.
My poor Yong Ha, how he must have suffered.
An infinite sense of tenderness grasped him. He had really done everything in the wrong order. He cursed his impulsive nature and taking a small step back, smoothing out the ripped opening of Yong Ha's vest he brought one hand to steady Yong Ha around the waist.
Searching Yong Ha's teary, pale face, he brought his other hand up to his face to tenderly wipe the tears of his cheek and looking steadily into his amazingly dark eyes he said the most incredible words Yong Ha had ever heard in his entire life
“Gu Yong Ha. You...I love you!” Jae Shin could see no reaction in Yong Ha. He was as still as death, his eyes revealing nothing. Afraid he hadn’t heard him he took his cold hand and deliberately put it over his heart saying
“In here is only you..You, Yong Ha!”
Yong Ha only gaped, unable to grasp what Jae Shin was telling him. He was looking at him with such a tenderness it made Yong Ha breathless and his warm hand on the cheek was outwordly good. Somewhere in the distance he could hear Jae Shin speak words but he could not make sense out of them all he could feel was the strong heartbeat of Jae Shin underneath his palm.
“Not Kim Yoon Shik, but you....”
Jae Shin is telling me something. It sounds as if he is telling me something about love, and me.
Yong Ha's brilliant mind could not interpret the meaning of the words. It was too incredulous.
I believe Jae Shin is telling me that he loves someone.
He loves Yong Ha?
Wait!
I am Yong Ha!
Me? ME!
The words finally meant something. It was slowly, slowly sinking into the ocean that had hidden his heart.
Jae Shin loves me!
And the neurons connected. Sparks!
Finally Yong Ha showed some signs of life. He gasped for air, his breathing unsteady after the violent battering of Jae Shin. Fixing his eyes on Jae Shin he started saying something in response
“Jae Shin!” but just at that moment his overexerted mind and body had had enough. Weak from a month of mental strain, several years of love sickness and the passionate assault of Jae Shin his body decided to shut down completely.
And Yong Ha promptly passed out, falling right into Jae Shin's supporting arms.
A very captivating story, full of suspense and filled with a wide spectrum of emotions, from comedy to drama. I can see all the characters unfold and live their lives in front me, feel for them, want them to conclude! Nothing is hidden and the reader knows everything that goes on the mind of our heroes... and it makes sense. I found myself self-identifying with Jae Shin so much I nearly had a nosebleed! :)
ReplyDeleteMy favourite scene is no doubt the lake in the forest, where Yong Ha seems to unfold his wings in front of an entranced Geol Oh. This scene just blew my socks off! A little miracle of poetry, mystery and grace.
Well done Ta-Meaut!
Hahaha, don't repaint the ceiling with red :D . I am so happy you told me of the lake scene...I know this comes pretty late but I made an entire new arc of fics just for this scene since you mentioned it. Hope you will like it :D
DeleteI just wanned to stop by and thank you one more time, 'cause last night was so happy reading all you Yong Ha/Jae Shin fics...my absolute fav would be "Say it right" with "Starry eyes" + "Lake Arc" + "Storm Ark"...'cause I'm a sucker for long stories, I'm sorry I can't write you how much I enjoyed, 'cause I got ill and feel shitty all over...but couldn't stop myself to still at least say thank you...god, if you knew what "Howl" had done to me at night, LOL...why are your smut scenes are so hot...and I even re-read "Say it right + Starry eyes" 2 times...I get to sleep in 6am XD
ReplyDeleteGaah! I feel honoured that I could make you sick my reading until your eyes bled! You poor thing, please get better...I don't want to be known as having assassinated "The Nerjaveika" with my smutty scenes.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I have to admit that "Howl" was hard to write since I was in a constant state of arousal myself...
Man, I am so happy so happy you have read my SKKS fanfics too - and LIKED them :D (I'm skipping around like a five-year-old on sugar rush, in joy) and thank you for commenting even though you are dying of illness...means a lot to me...
I was going to read it after watching all the episodes of SKKS but I love so much your writing that I coudln't wait lol AHHHHH I'm in love this fic and "Starry Eyes" so friggin' much. I was not shipping Jae Shin and Yong Ha (coz imo JS didn't show much love to YH) but now after reading this fic I will see them as lovers for sure. The sceneries you've create are so perfect. The tension you build between the characters is what I like the most in your writing. I can feel what they are feeling. It's like I'm there with them.
ReplyDeleteI downloaded the song Say It Right and now I can't stop smiling everytime I hear it. Actually this song is in loop since this morning. Anyway enough of my rambling. I just wanna say thanks for sharing this amazing story. I will definitely read your others SKKS fics.
Yes, I am soooo happy you have discovered SKKS - it is my absolute fav because I think Jae Shin and Yong Ha has such tension. Great that you like the song choice, it is one of my favourites and it was the one inspiring me to write this fic...Me too, I also smile every time I hear it, thinking of Yong Ha and Jae Shin being naughty :P (I do that with all hte songs of choice for my fics!)
DeleteEnjoy the rest of the fics !