There is someone I wish
really ill upon. I hate her. I truly hate her. It is the strongest
negative feeling I have ever had, for I am not by nature, prone to
hate. Dislike yes, annoyance most likely, but not true hate.
She is a pampered
princess, cared for by all, loved by all. The greatest diva have ever
known.
When I first met her I
was so happy, for I thought that for the first time in my life I
would have a true sister, someone to share everything with, someone
that accepts all of you and gives all of herself back. She was sweet,
innocent and caring and really gave me the feeling that she wanted to
meet me halfway. So despite the fear I had, I opened my heart and
showed her who I am and she...threw it right back in my face.
The backlash was
horrendous. I was completely defenceless for I had taken down all my
mental walls. I just sat there all numb, distantly listening to her
raving about me being so mean to her, saying mean things and just
being generally mean. It took me a long time to understand what she
was saying and when I did I almost started laughing for it was so
ridiculous, or at least I thought so.
She was upset about me
making a comment on her dessert on evening. She had been eating a
cake that seemed very good and when she had finished I said "Oh,
that must have been a very good cake because you ate it so quickly!"
- for me it meant that she had been enjoying it, for her it implied
that she was a fat pig and I was pointing it out.
Then I had tried to
flirt openly with her boyfriend, standing very close to him and
whispering in his ear. In fact I had been standing not very close at
all and we had been talking about her parents house, a subject I find
very dry and not flirty at all. The fact that I was madly in love
with her brother was of no consequence to her, just the fact that I
had talked to her boyfriend was enough proof of my viciousness.
Then I had openly
disagreed with her on a matter of art, I n which she deems herself an
expert. We had been discussing the placement of a staircase in a
medieval house and after a rather long and tedious ramble of fancy
words from her that, I thought, really didn’t mean anything I just
said that maybe they just placed the staircase there because they
needed to walk up and down at this very spot (I thought it was a
logical explanation.).
The list could go on
forever if I mentioned all the things I had "tormented" her with, but
the end results would be the same.
I hate her. I wish her
ill in life, and I cannot hide it anymore. Every time I hear
something is going bad for her I smile, every time I hear that she is
in over her head I am holding my thumbs for something to go wrong.
Yet it never does, for she is born lucky and pampered and cushioned.
Then one day I realised
that I do not really hate her, I hate what she stands for -
everything I have never had nor can ever have...and the word for that
is jealousy.
I am jealous of her
being so glowingly healthy, while I am slowly wasting away in an
incurable disease.
I am jealous of her
having lots of money that she has never had to work a day for, wile
all I have is huge debts after working several jobs at the same time
for a long time.
I am jealous f her
having a family that has always been there supporting her no matter
what she wants to do, while my family couldn't care less if I was
dead or alive.
I am jealous of her
always having good luck, while I am constantly overwhelmed by bad
karma.
I am jealous of how
people adore her at first sight no matter how badly she behaves,
while they hate me even before they met me.
I am jealous of her
long black hair and petite figure, while I am dull and flat
I am jealous of her
artistic skills that seems to come so effortlessly, while I have none
despite my many years of trying.
I am jealous of her
innocence in not understanding how much she hurts people, while I am
too aware for my own good.
...but most of all I am
jealous of how everyone came to her defence when she backstabbed me
in the most cruellest way possible.
She has made me lose
some of my faith in humans.
My jealousy of her has
become hate because she makes me in to a person I do not want to be.
I hate the me that is jealous of her.
I cannot escape it, for
I am not strong enough, yet, but I have decided to try hard, to fight
this feeling, this jealousy and maybe one day I wile be able to stand
next to her and not wish that the roof would cave in on her and crush
her to a pulp before my feet.
but not yet...
