Pillowbook "that feeling you do not want to name"

Whenever my mother writes to me she always ends her letters with "how can you go on like that.." or "can you really work in those conditions..", "you won't be able to do that will you?" and so on and so forth. (Don't get me wrong, it has nothing to do with my excellent work that I love, but with the fact that I have a medical condition that makes it harder for me to do what everyone else takes for granted...)
The words are clear, she is worried about me and wants what is best for me, as any mother would.

Yet, I cannot shake of this feeling that what she really says is "fail as soon as possible so I don't have to think about it...".

I am sure many would disagree with me and say "of course she wouldn't want that" but then again, I know things about my mother that they don't, and it is this knowledge that makes me hear things that she doesn't say out loud.

I try not to let it get to me, but in all honesty, it would be wonderful to instead hear her say "You are great fighting like that, we are right behind you cheering you on!" instead of "just give up".

but then again, she has never cheered me on in anything else either and that hasn't stopped me from travelling the world, getting my specific education and a job I love.

Still, just once, I would be wonderful to hear my mother praise me. Just once.